An Inconvenient Christianity

"Men that have hazarded their lives for the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" Acts 15:26. 

   Earlier today, I looked up this verse in my Bible after a conversation I had. I knew there was some verse in the Bible about risking your life for Christ, but I was not quite sure where it was. You see, I begin this post with a burdened heart, maybe more than I ever have been when writing a blog up until this point. I've written about a lot of topics, and I've mostly gotten good feedback. I've written about using your life for good, developing goals, even how to become successful. Unfortunately, however, I have failed to bring out an important thought. What does any of that matter without being willing to give your life to Christ? 

   You see, it is a scary thing to offer your life to Christ. It is inconvenient in the age we live in. Too many rules, expectations, etc. With the verse I quoted, you'll notice that (and it's referring to Barnabas and Paul and their missionary journeys here) it says they "hazarded" their lives. They risked their very lives all for the work of God. How many of us can say we'd be willing to do whatever it took to accomplish the work of God? Some of us aren't even willing to pray for the missionaries that our churches support, and we would never dream of even taking a week out of our lives to help one. 

   I say none of this to point fingers at anyone else. If anything, this is my way of reminding myself of the way my heart should be turned to Chrsit. With thinking about this whole topic, though, five distinct thoughts came to me about the inconvenience that being a true Christian involves. I'm sharing these with a burdened heart for things I need to remember in my own life, and I hope maybe it will help you, too. 

   Number one: Don't make this life about you. It's all about Him. 

In this life, it is beyond easy to make things about yourself. Humans are creatures of comfort, and if something is less than comfortable we don't like it. That's the reason air conditioning and electricity were invented. They aren't bad inventions, either, but the principle behind them is very apt to get us into trouble. True Christianity is recognizing what God wants for our lives, and doing what we can to follow His guidance. For people like me, who like to be in control, this is a tough concept. But this life was never meant to be all about your wants and desires. Your life was meant to bring glory to your Creator. Your success, your accomplishments, your outreach, all brings Him glory and honor. If you change the world, it still is not about you. It's about the one that gave you that opportunity. 

   Number two: Worry about your own problems before calling out other people.

This is one I have particularly struggled with. It's really easy to get a mentality that your issues aren't as bad as others. It stings a lot more calling yourself out on things than it does calling someone else out on things. I know the world around you may not be perfect, but I guarantee you aren't either. It is important though, to really be a Christian, to realize you are imperfect, too. It's really inconvenient and difficult doing this, but if you ever want to really live for God, this point must be grasped. 

   Number three: If someone is attacking you, realize they are attacking Jesus, not you. And He can defend Himself.

This concept has been one that I have struggled with lately. There have been a few things that happened, that I actually felt attacked for in the cause of Christ. At first, I got really angry. I wanted to react out of anger, rather than respond from a place of love and respect. It is really inconvenient letting someone attack you, and giving the situation over to God. But if you are doing something for the cause of Christ, and someone tries to stop it, they're attacking Christ and His work. Again, it's not about you. Your feelings may be hurt, but if you react back and attack, you may do more damage than good in what you're trying to accomplish. And I know that isn't easy, because my first response if you're going to debate or argue with me, is to feed into it and argue back. It's inconvenient stepping back and letting God take the reins. 

   Number four: God will provide, no matter the obstacle. 

As someone who really likes to have everything planned out and ready, this is a difficult one to grasp. Lately, however, God has really shown me what this means. God has provided so many things for me. Maybe not in my time, or how I've seen it, but He always provides exactly what I need. It's not convenient to let God have control of a situation. It's not convenient to trust Him for needs you have. But if you do, I guarantee He'll give you more and better than you ever thought possible. I know that's a hard thing to do in the face of obstacles. An obstacle is an obstacle because it blocks your path, and sometimes even sight, of the thing you're trying to get to. That's why it's better to take those obstacles to someone who can see where you're wanting to be. He can see the parts of your path that are unclear. He's more than willing to help you get there, if you just allow him to. 

   Number five: "With obedience to Christ, comes adversity" 

This last point comes from a phrase my amazing pastor, Bro. Noah Broughton stated one time that I wrote in my Bible. I wrote it down because I thought it was a good quote, but I never understood at the time how true it was. If you're going to do anything in this life for God, you will face adversity. I've noticed it even becoming true in our country. It seems like the more you take a stand for God, the more challenges you find. It's even become apparent to me in our church circles. Often, if you do something for Christ out of the norm, even other "Christians" don't like it. Adversity comes from stepping out on faith. You'll find challenges where you never expected them. But it all comes from the fact that if you're going to be obedient to Christ, you're going to find struggles and resistance. Do you really think that Satan wants the cause of Christ to be advanced in this world? 

   I write all of this just to share with you a burden that I have felt on my heart. I really hope, to whoever is reading, that it helps. I know, from personal experience, that none of these are easy concepts and I have mastered none of them. Each day is a growing process, but I think it's important to keep all these things before us. The last question I have is, what would you be willing to hazard for Christ? Would you risk your life? Your comfort? Your convenience? Would you risk your personal time, and give it to things of God? These are hard questions to answer, but I know, that the more you give to God, the more He will give you in return. 

The Truth About Discouragement

   "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance." Psalm 42: 5. 

   When I was reading my Bible a few days ago, this verse (and two others near it worded very similarly) really stuck out to me. You see, lately, I have been fighting a battle of discouragement. I won't go into all the personal details, but for the last few weeks it has felt like no matter what door I came to, it would appear to be open, and once I reached it, the door would either be slammed in my face, or quietly shut as I was about to step through. (This is all metaphoric, by the way, for those of you who are wondering if i'm just really clumsy.) I've questioned why nothing is working out, and it all being on the heels of great things happening in my life. I've prayed and prayed, and no answer has come. I've encountered less-than-encouraging people along the way, and it all culminated Wednesday afternoon. 

   I was devastated by the lack of direction I had, and I felt really discouraged. All I could think about was why God had not answered my prayer. Then, after reading that verse, a thought came to me. God is not the author of discouragement. It clearly says in that verse to hope in God. In verse 11 of the same chapter it says, "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God." I was reminded that He is my God. Not just a god, but He is MY GOD. He cares for me on a personal level. He is not the author of my discouragement. 

   If God is not the author of discouragement, then who is? I looked up the definition for the word discouragement, and this is what I found, "The feeling of despair in the face of obstacles". Why would God want us to be in despair? He wouldn't! There has to be another force at work spreading discouragement. The circumstances may be God's way of saying, "Wait," but discouragement is not His purpose. God does not want us drowning in a sea of discouragement. The other force at work is a force that wants us to doubt the God that loves us. It is a force that wants each of us to forget the things God has done in our lives, and forget the plans He has for us. It is a force that wants to overshadow God moving in our lives, and take our minds off of His grace, and onto uncertainty. That force could be Satan, or it could be an inner struggle you have, but either way, neither of those forces want you to trust God for your problems. Neither of those forces want you to realize that you can hope in God, and that He will be your help. 

   So how do we combat discouragement? One way that I have found is to realize when you don't know what to do, do what you know to do. Keep fighting! Keep pressing forward! Sulking a corner might give you some self-gratification for a moment, but continually wading in it will only sink you further into your discouragement. I'm not saying do not take time to re-group, but continually being in a re-grouping phase is not taking action. 

   Another way to get past discouragement is a truth I have learned in a book I've read recently called "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson. It says, " We won't remember the things that came easy; we'll remember the things that came hard...It's not just where you end up that's important; it's how you get there." That is a deep truth that is often hard to accept, but once you have accepted it, it becomes much easier to move forward. Once you realize that some of our greatest struggles become our greatest victories, it becomes easier to walk through the bad times. And some day, when you're out of the struggle, you may realize that God knows more than you do. 

   That brings me to my final point. The point that God knows more than you do. This is a hard concept for me to grasp as well, considering that I try to control a lot of the things in my life. God has a plan for you--a great plan that if you just wait for Him, He'll show it to you. I know that is easier to say than to follow, but keep it in mind. God is not your enemy. He is for you. And if He is for you, who could be against you? He's bigger than all your problems, bigger than all your fears, and big enough to know what you need in your life. 

The Voices You Hear

    A little while ago, when I was upset about something, I had what I like to call, a "God moment". I had just finished praying about a very specific matter. I turned on my Pandora radio station, and the first song that played was "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns. Here are some of the lyrics:


"Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth"

All I could do was cry, because a lot of the words were right in the context of what I had prayed. It was a moment where I knew God had heard my prayer, and I felt he was speaking directly to me, for me. I had no idea what music would be played as it is a randomized station, and I feel like God allowed that song to come on to encourage me, and let me know that He was there, and that He will be there.
   The reason I am revisiting an event that happened a little while back is because I feel like I have reached a point in my life where voices of sorts are speaking against me. No, they aren't voices in my head suggestive of a mental disorder, and no they are not literal voices of people speaking to me for those of you who take everything literally, but voices whose silence speaks louder than words.
   You see, i'm in a transitional period in my life. A lot is changing. With that comes specific voices trying to steer me off of the correct path. Let me explain: with every blessing that comes, every blessing designed to propel you into the person you were meant to be, it is going to be met by enemy resistance. As a Christian, I feel like there are forces at work to stop me from becoming all I need to be for Christ. So, by reaching a point in my life full of decisions, new paths, a period of change, and even meeting some specific hardships, it is going to be a very sensitive time. I was speaking with my Fiance about this, and one statement he made really stuck with me. He said, "Ashley, you've worked so hard to get to this point, do you think the enemy wants you to celebrate now? Or do you think that he wants you defeated?" I thought on this very intently, not fully grasping it at first I think. Then, I reached this conclusion: If you have proven yourself, met a milestone, or met a point of change, the enemy is not going to be happy about it. But the enemy won't always attack directly.
   What do I mean by "won't always attack directly". That is where those "voices" come into play. For every person, those voices may be different. It may be an insecurity you have, that even though you are accomplishing things or making changes, you still aren't sure of your self. It may be a voice of addiction, that even though other things are going great in your life, you do not think you can give up some addiction, so it keeps hold of you. It may be a voice of anger, that someone did not do what you thought they should, that someone important to you lets you down, just when you need them most. These "voices" say things like, "No matter what you've done, you're not good enough", "People let you down, why try to accomplish anything else?", "I've got you in this stronghold, good luck trying to get past this!". All of these voices are a tactic used to defeat, depress, and deter you from the purposes you should be fulfilling in your life. For me my voices consisted of fear, doubt, and disappointment. I was scared of the unknown, of what all I had to still accomplish, of what I was going to do in the face of the difficult things that I was going through. I was doubtful of how I'd find solutions to these circumstances. I was also disappointed by feeling a lack of support from specific people that I thought would be proud of some things I was accomplishing. These voices said to me, "Things are too hard, you've already worked so hard already, you're tired. Why not just quit?", "These problems you have--they are overwhelming! How can they be fixed?" "Your accomplishments must not be that important--no one cares anyway." Again, no literal voices said this to me, but these subtle attacks come indirectly to divert your attention from what you should be focusing on.
   So, what do you do? Think back to the lyrics I posted, the last four lines. Notice I bolded the words, "The Voice of Truth". That Voice is the One you need to focus on. The Voice of truth in my life is my Lord, my Saviour, Jesus Christ, and the Word of God that He gave for us to follow, and gave so He could speak to us. God is not the instigator of defeat, confusion, and fear. He does not speak to us in terms of what hard times are facing you, and what you can do about it, but about what He has power to do. When you are fearful, what does God say? Psalm 27:1 says, "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" When you are doubtful, or worried, 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." When you are disappointed, go to the One Who does not disappoint, as written in Hebrews 13:5, "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."
   There are many, many different verses for various "voices" you may hear. The important thing to remember is that you will most certainly at some point in your life face an indirect attack that leave you with questions, feelings of defeat, maybe even a weight of something that seems overwhelming. But know where this attack comes from! Also know where to go to find help. God has many great things in His Word, things for any kind of voice you may be faced with. It is a guide, and will show you exactly what to do in the face of opposition. Don't listen to the voices of defeat; listen to the Voice of Truth. It is your choice, but I guarantee you, living in defeat won't lead to a victory.

Enjoying the Mountain

   Yesterday was a big day for me. It was the day that I have been working toward for a long time--my graduation from Somerset Community College's Associate Degree Nursing program. One interesting part of all of the commotion from yesterday was the fact that I was running late in getting to graduation. I was not late to the actual ceremony, but as graduates we were supposed to be there at 6:45 (actually by that time), and I arrived sometime after 7. On the way there, I got stopped by a red light, and I knew it would take a long time for the light to change, so I managed to find a back road to get around it. Then, there was some kind of fender-bender blocking both sides of the road, so I found another back road, and got back on the main highway. I hit a few more lights, but waited, and tried to multitask getting things done while at the stoplights (with my fiance's help as well). I somehow managed to get past all the obstacles, and ran inside, taking my place in line.
   All these events seem insignificant at first, just another day, another normal set of events; however, to me these moments were a mirror image of how I got to graduation in the big scheme of things. It was not easy getting to graduation. At my pinning ceremony my card even had the verse Psalm 61:2, which says, "From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." I cannot tell you how many times I have been overwhelmed these past four years.
   I feel like all the events that lead to graduation were really just one back road after another, one moment of waiting after another, and trying to get things done, when it almost seemed impossible. You see, I started off my college experience at Berea College. I did great academically, but that place was not where I was supposed to be. Putting it as tactfully as possible, I did not feel like I could adequately grow in my walk with God at that institution. Then my grandfather passed away, and I was deeply hurt. I tried to be strong for my Mom, all while taking a pretty difficult pre-nursing course load. With God's help, I finished that first year strong, and decided to weigh out my options.
   So, I took a different road, and I came back to Somerset to get my degree there. It was a lot different going from staying in the dorm, to moving back home and balancing more work hours with school. A lot of people did not understand my decision. Many people saw it as me throwing away my future, and a four-year scholarship. I was the girl that was supposed to do something great with my life, and to many people, I was not going to do that coming to Somerset. Looking back on it, that was one of the best decisions of my life, and if I had stayed at Berea, I would have been compromising my future, and I have no idea where I would be.
   I spent a year taking courses before doing the nursing program. I actually took some time trying to determine if I would stick with nursing, or get an English degree. Another interesting piece of information, the pre-conference you have to do before starting the nursing program, I actually stumbled upon the list of dates the day before the last day was available. So, it was definitely an act of God getting me into the program. I chose nursing, because I did not think I had to have a degree to allow me to write. I would, however, need a degree to be a nurse.
   Then the actual program started. A lot of things happened during this time, I moved from the only place I'd ever lived, I faced personal struggles, and many other things changed during this time. It was rough, and I won't take the time here to explain all the stressful times, sleep deprived nights, and times where I thought about just giving up. Those kinds of things come with anything worth the struggle, and I am grateful for the opportunity to fight it out, and get through it.
   So, all of these events really mirrored me getting to graduation. What, then, do I take away from it all? I was overwhelmed, and God lead me to a higher place. There were so many twists and turns getting here. People told me I was making the wrong decision. There were people who didn't support me, as well as those who prayed, asking God to just lead me where I should be. The higher place was hard getting to. Nothing, like most of my life, has been just handed to me. I've had to fight, work hard, and make decisions, and put trust and faith in God. And I finally accomplished a goal that I have had for a long time.
   Is this, though, the last higher plane I will reach? All of these events, they were a small part of a bigger journey. Each struggle, each triumph, each battle, each win, changes a part of you, and transforms you into who you were meant to be. God does not leave us on this earth merely to fight one battle and stay on a plateau the rest of our lives. We were all made for more than that. We all have our own sets of untapped potential, but if we live our lives dwelling on the fact that we have won some battles, we'll never see what all God can do through us.
   There's a lot more for me to do now that graduation is over. It's both scary and wonderful all at the same time. It's scary because I know there will be more mountains for me to climb, there is more for me to do, and i'm sure i'll be taking a few more detours, and may even have some waiting periods.  People may not understand some things that God may be calling me to do. That is where faith really comes in though! The wonderful part about it all is knowing that doing more is really living. If I can spend my life really living, how much more of a difference will that make? How much more can I do for the God who saved me and gave me this life, if I really put effort into it?  What God-given untapped potential have I not seen yet? I'm sure all of the same questions can apply to whoever is reading this. God has something amazing for you, but what are you doing to get there? As I wrote on my whiteboard at home yesterday, "You did it! Enjoy the mountain, but look for the next one, this is just the start!"

I'd like to also share a poem I wrote a little while ago, during these last four years.

A Poem Based on Psalm 61:1-3

From the end of the earth,
Will I cry unto thee,
My heart is overwhelmed,
Oh Lord, will You lead me,
To a much higher place,
I know You will be,
A shelter, a haven,
Far from the enemy,
And when my heart breaks,
Will You then make it whole?
When i'm down, upset,
Will You then calm my soul?
And when I almost fall,
Could you help me to stand?
And through all my hurt,
Please, just hold my hand?
Storms, pain, hurt, surround,
Nothing seems to turn out right,
Darkness encircles me,
Lord, lead me through the night.
Although it's hard each day,
On You I will depend,
You have not failed me yet,
You are my dearest friend.
So hear my cry, O God,
Attend unto my prayer,
Keep me in Your shelter,
And heal my hurt in there. 


And He brought me through!!!!

Just the Beginning

Well, I have some exciting news....I'm engaged. I'm sure most of you reading this blog already know as I've proclaimed it to the world through basically every social media site I have access to. That's part of the reason I wanted to write about this though. Because for so long, I doubted that I would be this way. If you would've asked any of my friends, even throughout high school, when polled out of my group of friends, I was one of the last chosen to get married. I had "bigger dreams". Or so I thought. 

   Growing up, I became independent pretty fast. I attribute it to being raised by a single mom. My dad was absent, so I reacted by creating a shell where I thought men weren't needed. I had an awesome example in my grandpa, but he came from a different time period. Now was the time for women to stand up and take charge for themselves...men surely wouldn't. I loved church growing up, but every time I heard the word "submission" I cringed a little inside. I mean, I was already planning to be the first woman President (that is if Sarah Palin or Hilary Clinton didn't beat me to it). I certainly didn't want to learn any sort of nonsensical housewife duties, but I'd rather read classic authors or books about Ronald Reagan...all to enhance my knowledge so I could one day provide for myself. 

   Things changed a little in high school. Although I had a wall of independence created, my heart wanted a relationship. I began to see people pairing off and I wanted that feeling. I didn't know what it was, but I wanted to feel loved, needed, protected, even beautiful. That's when I started believing the unspoken lie that millions of people still believe today. The lie was: in order to be in a relationship, you have to be unhappy, or essentially not yourself to make it work. In fact the real lie was that if you want a relationship to work its painstakingly hard. (Not saying there aren't hard moments but the whole thing shouldn't be hard). I found myself thinking that you either were unhappily married or unhappily divorced. Yes, I saw happy couples, but I either thought they just came from another time, were hiding something, or were extremely blessed--maybe they deserved it more than me. I also bought into the idea that a bad guy is one that does drugs, or beats you, never thinking that there are actually bad "good" guys--those are the ones that mentally and emotionally tear you apart. They don't tell you about those in a lot of settings because there are a lot of those guys out there. They may even try to be a good person, not realizing the weight of their words or actions. (I'm not just picking on guys either, girls can equally be as bad). 

   So you can imagine what the few relationships I had in high school were like. I kept the wall up, even in relationships that lasted for a while. I couldn't figure out why I was unhappy while keeping people at arms length--not realizing I could not or would not trust the people I gave my time to. Granted, some of them may not have deserved my trust, but that just added to the problem. But again, I assumed it had to be painstakingly hard, and believe me IT WAS. 

   Do you know what was one of the biggest issues in all of this? I was trying to control things, protect myself. Finally, after a long relationship ended I had an epiphany of sorts. The Lord convicted me; how much of this did I put in His hands? It was mostly all a defense mechanism. Then I searched the Bible. How many verses in the Bible does it say that God wants us to be unhappy? It doesn't. It actually talks about God wanting us to love life. I mean, He created Eve to make Adam happy. The lie was broken and I realized, God doesn't want me to be unhappy. All those couples I saw earlier, do you know what they had in common? They kept The Lord at the center of their lives and relationships and worked to make themselves better, knowing in turn their spouse would be happier, then making them happier! 

   So that's when I decided not to date again until I found someone God wanted me with who made me truly happy. Not that I had everything figured out, but that decision changed my life. During that time, Caleb became my best friend. I enjoyed getting to know him. And we started dating. 

   Caleb has been amazing. It's like God sent us to each other for reasons bigger than we know even now. So, I've been happy just getting to know him better. On Thursday of this last week, we talked about marriage. He acted like it would be a while before we got married. Truly, I told him and I felt that I wanted him to know for himself that he had peace before ever proposing. I told him it was more important to have a marriage as opposed to a wedding, and the right foundation will cause that. So, I was happy with the situation knowing even though it may be a while longer, God's timing would make everything right. I also let Caleb take the reins--I've discovered submission is following the person God gave you as they follow God. Submission isn't submersion, you don't lose yourself in them, but rather be a part of a special mission with them. 

   Anyways, we planned to take pictures on Saturday, and we did. They were amazing at a beautiful estate 5 minutes from where I grew up. Then, at the end, Caleb said he wanted to take a few pictures somewhere I've never been. Our amazing photographer acted like itd be ok, but would have to be quick because she had another appointment. Caleb blindfolded me, and engagement ran through my mind, as it would any girl, but I blew it off. Caleb's always surprising me in awesome ways so, I just assumed it'd be the same. We drove for a while, got to our destination, and we walked (all while I was blindfolded) to a specific spot. He took the blindfolds off, and one of our favorite songs started playing. We were at Camp Canaan, where we met so many years ago. The place where so many important things in my life happened. Where I got saved, and gave my life to The Lord. And in that moment I got back something really special. 

   People I am close to walked forward all holding signs. These signs told the timeline of our story...from when we met to our road trips, from first date to asking my mom for her blessing. The music kept playing to another of our songs, and the final signs were shown saying, "Will You Marry Me?" Caleb got down on one knee, and I have never felt so loved, adored, protected, beautiful, and special in my entire life. 

   So I've been on a cloud since all this happened. But, I've also been thinking. I've heard people say they're proud, and people say that not many guys would do this. So, I say all that to say this...not many guys will do this. In fact they're one in a million. So how do you get a one in a million person? Treat yourself as one in a million. I don't mean be conceited, but realize you're worth the best. A relationship doesn't have to be some awful thing that you just tolerate. A relationship should be two people stretching themselves to grow together. Another thing, too, don't waste your time trying to control everything. Let The Lord have control. He won't mess things up; In His hands is safety. I'm not saying I know everything, in fact, I have a lot more to work toward. I just don't want to see anyone buying the lie that they have to be unhappy. God has amazing plans for you! I'm so glad God did not let me stay in the state I was in, and I am so grateful He brought Caleb and I together. The best part of it all is knowing this is just the beginning! 

Bottom note: thanks for everyone who shared a part in our engagement. You will forever be a part of one of my best memories! (Photography by Chrystal York...and she's awesome!) 

The Amazingly Sunny Days

"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin. As I started reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge for the second time, I came across this quote. I didn't notice it the first time I read this for some reason. I think the first time I read this book it so caught me off guard with the truth in it, that it was almost too much to handle. It's a great book, but if you aren't ready to be a much stronger woman, I wouldn't advise reading it. It is one of the books in my life that I can actually say changed me. That doesn't happen like this very often and I've read a LOT. Anyways, when I saw this phrase I completely stopped reading. It was a God moment. It's like God was telling me, "I know exactly what you need right now". 

   You see, I feel like my life is about to be significantly different. I'm less than 50 days from graduating nursing school and opening an entirely new chapter of my life   I have a lot of decisions to be making and a lot of things will be changing. Honestly, I've been kind of fearful. It's an unknown world, and it may seem silly, but I've been really scared about what's to come. Isn't it funny, the thing I've been working toward is scary? Actually thinking about it though, I'm gonna have a lot more responsibility than I do now. I won't just be a student, but I will be stepping into much greater roles than I've ever been in. Ill be reaching some of my goals, attaining things I've worked really hard for. 

   So when I saw that quote, it hit me. I'm gonna be "blossoming" into something totally different. But as scary as that is, how much more painful and scary would it be to remain in stagnancy? How terrible would it be to come this far and let fear defeat me? I'm not sure of the exact reference, but doesn't the Bible say that "God hath not given us the Spirit of fear? But of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  God has given us a Spirit of power! It is a powerful thing to be following Gods plan for our lives! It's a powerful thing to be reaching milestones, doing new things, even making changes. For so long, I did not like change. But change isn't always a bad thing, if it's change that grows us. Change can actually take a seed and make it a beautiful flower. Change can take the frigid air of winter and make it the warmth and growth of spring. (Which I know we all want!) Since we've had such a cold winter, ill relate it this way. What would it be like if we just stayed in this state we've been in? What would it be like if the winter we've had just continued? Some people may grow accustomed to it, some may even be comfortable. I mean we've got central heating, right?! 

But we'd never get the flowers that accompany spring time. Nothing would grow like it should or could because of the conditions.  And think of the amazingly sunny days we'd miss! 

   You see, sometimes change has to happen for growth. It may not be easy, and some changes are a lot more difficult than others. It all depends on what you want though, some things may take you out of your comfort zone, or into an unknown world. But one of the best parts of stepping out into the unknown is having new opportunities. New opportunities bring some amazing experiences. You have the choice, you can ditch fear, claim power, and become a better, growing version of yourself, or you can remain in stagnancy. But I can guarantee you only one of those options will ultimately make you happier. 

Anyways, happy first day of spring! 

Waving from the Window

I wrote this story, of my grandpa and the terrible disease he had, a little while back, and i thought I would share it now. We just finished covering Alzheimers in class. I hope it helps someone. 

"This is my grand-daughter. She’s a brain. Makes straight A’s, and got a scholarship to Berea College,” Those were the words my pawpaw said to the nurse his first day in the long-term care facility. I will never forget that as long as I live. I know it may seem like a simple statement, but the fact that my Pawpaw, diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, not only remembered me, but was praising me to a staff member I’d never even met, spoke volumes to me.

I’ll never forget the day I found out he had Alzheimer’s. It was Father’s Day three years ago. Usually, with it being Sunday, I would bring him to church with me, but he said he was not feeling well, so he did not come. I brought him back lunch and ate with him, and he did not seem too much different. Lately, though, he had been forgetting things. He could not remember how to fill out his checks, he would forget to mail something in, forget to get the oil changed in his truck, just simple things like that. I suspected something, but I was just 18 at the time, and did not really even know what to do. At the same time, I did not want anything to be wrong. He was the father figure in my life, and we did everything together. My mom and I lived next door to him, so he was always there, and I saw him every day.  He even taught me how to drive. He’d sit back in his little Toyota Tacoma, smoke a cigarette, and tell me I was doing a great job. Even the time I accidently rolled through a stop sign. He just chuckled and said, “Glad no one was coming—just make sure to watch next time.”

That night, I went to church like normal. When my mom pulled into the driveway, she noticed my pawpaw in the back yard. How she noticed this, I will never know. That moment is when my world changed. He was in the back yard, confused, sweating profusely, just sitting on the ground. My mom called 911, and I kneeled to the ground trying to talk to him, to orient him to reality. Nothing he said made sense. I finally just held his hand as we waited for the ambulance.

What followed from that was a long couple of weeks in the hospital. The one thing I knew is that my world would never be the same. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s during this time. His condition improved, and at the discretion of my mom and uncle, he was placed into a long-term care facility. I remember how hard it was seeing him there. The memories I had of him were him sitting in a lawn chair in our yard watching cars go up and down the highway, or him just riding down the road with me, or us watching John Hagee on television together. My memory was not of him in what I saw as a cold, standardized, hospital setting.

I remember leaving for college that fall, and every weekend I came back to see him. Regardless of the diagnosis, he was still the same encouraging pawpaw I had always known. Things were different, yes, but he still made me feel loved. There were times we would talk like we always had, and I would think to myself, maybe he could get better. I know that did not make any sense, and I knew how the disease worked, I just really did not want to accept its finality. There were even a few times I would see him waving out of the window down to the parking lot as I came in the facility. Regardless of the good times though, he still had the rough times. On my nineteenth birthday, my mom asked him how old he thought I was going to be. He replied, “Seven, eight, nine, maybe.” That was hard for me, but I knew he must have just seen me as the same little girl that tagged along with him everywhere. There were some more bad times, bad typical Alzheimer’s moments, but I did not focus on that. I focused on getting to still see him, still getting to talk to him, the fact that he was still there.

One night, as we were told, he was rearranging things in his room. That was one of the things he did a lot when he was confused. As he was trying to move a recliner in his room, he had a terrible fall. He never recovered, and on April 3, 2011, one of the most important people in my life left this world. I was devastated, and it is something I do not think I have ever fully recovered from, but I do feel like I learned some things from the experience. I learned to value each moment you get with the people in your life. I learned to not focus on the negative in a situation, and just be glad that you get time with that person. I also learned that regardless of the disease, Alzheimer’s especially, they are still that person you always loved. Now, three years later, whenever I drive by that facility, I just think of him waving at me from his window, telling one of the nurses that his grand-daughter had come to see him. It gives me a reason to move forward, and it gives me a reason to work to make him proud at this stage in my life.

 

 

Hardly Living at All?

   Today, while reading "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson, I came across this quote, "The way of the dreamer is difficult-but anything less is hardly living at all!" Those words stopped me in my reading, so much so, that I even put the book down (which really is a rarity for me). Those words seemed to be meant for me today.
   You see, last night, I got the amazing opportunity to be around a bunch of dreamers. Each one of the people I was around had a dream of their own that they are more than just working toward. They are putting their lives into something they know will bring them to the place where they need to be. One person even said, "It's not the potential I have, it's the potential God has to use me." Those words touched my soul. It was as if each one of those people were not just moving forward for themselves, but were moving forward for the higher purpose that God has for them. I thought about it a lot, even after I left. Then today, I was listening to a speaker on a CD, and they were talking about the book I had just started reading. (I also had no idea that the speaker I was listening to would even mention it). When I finished a few things I had to do, in a free moment, I picked up my book, and not too many pages in was when I saw those words. "The way of the dreamer is difficult-but anything less is hardly living at all!"
   These words were convicting. Sometimes I feel like I fit into the group of hardly living at all.  Not that I am not working toward anything, but lately, being in my last semester of nursing school, and dealing with responsibilities, I feel like I have not been as focused on the dream. Yes, I am taking action towards completing things, but has my mindset been where it needs to be? Definitely not. And being a dreamer starts with a mindset. I've kept my ring before me, (see my first blog post for information about that), but am I really living those words of "Love. Cherish. Inspire. Dream."? I feel like I have been more focused on circumstances that may be discouraging, than the path that is taking me to where I will be. I start to try to depend on myself, which obviously leads to worry, instead of letting God take control and lead me to where I need to be. This post may seem very transparent, but maybe this is something you can relate with in your own life.
   So, how do I get from the way of hardly living at all to the way of the dreamer? It all starts with a mindset. Being a dreamer is difficult. I often wonder why some of my circumstances have been difficult. It's almost as if I foolishly go, "Why can't they just give me a nursing degree? Why can't I just automatically be in a position to help other people? Why can't my writing get published now? Why haven't I already accomplished more than I have? Why, Why, Why?" Do you know what this turns into? It turns into a pit of self-pity, that does nothing but tear your mindset apart, and that negative mindset multiplies. All the things that I am working toward may be difficult now, but there is a reason for that. There have been many things in my life that were very difficult, but on the other side of it, I came out a stronger person. What if nursing school did just hand out degrees to anyone that wanted them? I guarantee that would cause a lot of trouble. You see the road to your dreams is going to be a lot more uncomfortable than you would expect it to be. You are not entitled to anything, so what you want to accomplish, you will have to create for yourself.
   This all reminds me of the Bible story of Joseph in Genesis 37. It states, "And Joseph dreamed a dream, and he told it his brethren: and they hated him yet the more." Joseph dreamed, and followed that dream, and his brothers hated him. As the chapter continues, they actually end up selling him into slavery. All because he had a dream. But did Joseph allow his life to become one of "hardly living at all", or did he take his negative circumstances, keep the right mindset, trust in God, and eventually be in the place where he was supposed to be? He did the second one. God had a specific purpose for him that he could have never accomplished if he had not followed his dream. He grasped the potential that God had for him, and finally realized his dream.
   What about your dreams? What do or did you want to accomplish? Do those dreams far away now? Have you forgotten them? Or are you like me and focusing on the wrong part of chasing your dream? You have the choice, you can live a life of a winner, a dreamer, which will be difficult, or you can live the life of a loser, and hardly live at all. I know that sounds harsh, but what are we doing with our lives if we are not following the higher plan God has for us? I cannot tell you what God has for you, but I can tell you, it may be difficult getting there, but nothing will feel like the peace you get from reaching the potential God has for you. So, don't focus on the difficult. Just remember the difficult is part of getting to where you are going to be. You will appreciate your arrival so much more, and you will be a much stronger person when you get there. You may even help forge a path for someone else following you. It will be worth it, and you will be able to truly say that you have lived. I cannot wait to realize my dreams, and see you realize yours as well!

All the Work of God

   Today, as I was reading, I came upon this verse, Ecclesiastes 8:17, "Then I beheld all the work of God, that a man cannot find out the work that is done under the sun: because though a man labor to seek it out, yet he shall not find it; yea farther; though a wise man think to know it, yet shall he not be able to find it." I had to read the verse a couple of times to really understand what it meant. It says I beheld all the work of God. What a thought...that this verse is talking about all the work God has done, no one can figure it all out.
   This statement really caused me to search my heart, and made me very grateful. You see, if no one, even wise men can figure out all that God does, and if no one can know all that God knows, how amazing is it that this same God, whose ways are past finding out, loves and cares for each of us? On a personal level, that means that the Creator of the earth, the One Who set the world in motion, the One Who has power and knowledge above all else, cares for me, wants to lead me, and wants to have a personal relationship with me. How wonderful is that to think about?
   This thought is wonderful, and yet, at the same time should be very convicting to all of us. How often do I try to do things in my own strength? How often do I neglect to communicate with Him the way I should? How often do I worry about simple things instead of putting things into His hand? Why do I fail to utilize the Great Friend and Counselor that I have access to? Going back to the verse I wrote at the beginning, think about all that God does. There is no way that anyone can figure it all out, and, yet, God is still working.
   I think about all God has done up to this point in my life. It is amazing how so many pieces He perfectly put together, that I could have never done. Even when I tried to do things on my own, He kept me from making mistakes by His restraining hand. Yes, there were times when I messed up, and tried to put my goals before Him, but He was always there, ready to help me pick up the pieces. My mind goes back to a time in my life when I felt terrible spiritually. I kept trying to do things in my own power. I was angry at circumstances beyond my control, and I let that hinder me. I remember praying, and asking the Lord to show me what I needed to do. I remember asking Him to help me get out of the place where I was, because I knew I was not headed the right way. From that moment, when I asked Him to do His work, He changed so much in my life. Second to when I got saved, that was the most pivotal moment in my life. I told no one at the time of this prayer, but instead allowed the Lord to work in my life on a personal level. The Lord did so much, brought me to where I needed to be, and showed me a lot about my faith. It was that point in my life where I decided my stance on a lot of things, and it added to the groundwork of my constant work to become who I need to be. I've not done everything perfect since then, and I still make mistakes, but I know that is part of a growing process.
   I say all of that to say this, If God can do all of that in my life, and so much more above what I have written, and above all that I even know about, how much more will He do? How about your life? I'm sure you have struggles and things you are working through. I'm also sure, however, that there have been things that God has brought you through. Not every circumstance will you understand the reasoning to, but God has brought you to things for purposes beyond your realm of knowledge. When that pivotal moment happened in my life, do you think that I knew where God was going to bring me to? Do you think I understood the reason why I was faced with certain things? There was no way, and if I would have kept trying to work through those issues myself, there is no way I would be where I am. I do say all of that knowing I have much more to learn and to grow in, and there may be times when I do not understand why things are happening, or what I should do, but if I do not allow the Lord to have His way, I may not reach that place where I should be. How about your life? Is there something you are trying to handle in your own strength? Take it to the Lord, and allow Him to work through you. No one can understand all that God is doing and wants to do, why not trust Him?
   As I close, I want to share something I believe the Lord gave me the other day. I was humming, not really to any specific tune, and these words just came to me along the tune I was singing to. It is pretty short, but I think it is fitting for the subject at hand, and I hope that it helps you!

Why should I worry now?
You've been there before.
Why should I worry now?
You know what's in store.
I'll follow your plan for me,
And you'll bring me through,
To right where I should be,
And I will trust in You.


Thanks for reading! 

Happy New Year's!

   The ball has dropped, the countdown is over, and 2014 has officially started! This is the time of year probably filled with the most good intentions. Everyone is excited about the opportunity for a fresh start. Resolutions are being made, again by people with good intentions, and most people take a day or two to make changes in their lives. It still doesn't quite feel like the holidays are over, and you may even get an extra day off work. You sleep in, wake up, and talk to your family about what you want to accomplish. You talk about the person you are going to be when 2015 rolls around. Thinner, happier, wealthier, you'll be a new person by this time next year.
   But something usually happens around January 4th or 5th. You start to get back in the swing of things at work. Kids start returning to school. The new opportunities you thought existed on the 1st, somehow turn back into a reality of work, and kids, and bills, and the life you have always had. You may simply feel you do not have the time to keep up these resolutions that you have set in your mind.
   I know, what I just wrote may seem bleak, and like I'm trying to discourage you from making resolutions. I'm sure you may even think i'm trying to ruin your lovely New Year's Day, you may even be wondering why you wasted your precious time reading this when I've not really been that positive at all. Honestly, though, that is my purpose in writing this. I'm writing this not just to the general public, but to myself, too, because I need to keep this before me. A resolution is defined as, "A firm decision to do something". As Americans, we have a tendency to twist the definition into something we simply want or wish to do, but a resolution is a firm decision. A firm decision means that you will not go back on your word. When I think of firm decision, I think of the story of Daniel in the Bible, where it states that he "purposed in his heart". Daniel did not just want to do the right thing, he made a firm decision to do what he saw as the right thing in his life.
   So, how do we go from passive, from wanting things to change, to making things change? By a firm decision. If we are going to get where we want to be, it will not be easy. That's why the first part of this seemed so bleak. I believe it will be better in the long run if you sacrifice now. It's like a quote I heard that I love that says, "Today I will do what I want most, or what I want now." Ultimately, that decision is what determines where we are in life.
   I'll give a personal example, to further explain my point. Almost three years ago, my Pawpaw, one of the most important people in the world to me, passed away. I was at Berea College at the time. I hated going to school there, and I was absolutely heart broken by my Pawpaw's death. I had missed about 2 weeks of class because I stayed with him at the hospital, and was there throughout the funeral. When everything was over, the last words of the funeral were said, all I wanted to do was cry. I did not want to be thrown back into my studies. I was taking Anatomy and Physiology, Chemistry, Psychology, and an English class. My courses were by no means easy. What I wanted during that "now" time was to cry and run back home, and take some time. I really did not even want to be at Berea anyways. With the Lord's help, however, I resolved to give it all I had. I had multiple tests to make up and papers to write. I knew that if I kept going, I would be one step closer to where I was supposed to be. So, I made up all the work I was behind on, and my English professor even told me my paper was one of the best he had read. I finished the semester, with good grades, and it really helped lay the foundation for the education I am continuing now.
   I say all of that, not to in any way exalt myself, but to show a very important truth. It is not easy doing the things that will get you to where you want to be. It takes a lot more effort to get to where you want to be than to stay where you are. Think to yourself of that person that you want to be by the time 2015 is here. What kind of effort will you have to put in to get to where you want to be? Do you want to be thinner? That takes daily action on your part in monitoring what you eat and exercising. Are you willing to do the more difficult thing and skip out on a few meals at your favorite fast food place? It won't be easy at first, but if that's what you want, that's what it takes. What if you want to be wealthier? Work to save money, to be a wise steward of the money you do have. What if you want to be happier? Pursue a career you know you'll love, cherish your family and those around you, surround yourself with happy people. Whatever it is that you want your 2015 self to be, write it down, and figure out what it takes to get there. The decision won't be firm unless you know what you are going to do, and do it no matter what.
   Again, i'm writing this for my own benefit, and anyone who chooses to read. You can be a new person by this time next year. It just comes down to a daily decision. Are you going to sacrifice the permanent on the altar of the temporal? Or are you going to choose to work toward what you want MOST rather than what you want now? The decision is up to you, and it is one you will have to make every day.

People and Their Opinions

   When I first heard about all the drama with Phil Robertson and Duck Dynasty, I initially wanted to write a Facebook status and be done. However, I did not think I could be succinct enough to just post to Facebook, and I felt that as a Christian, I should at least comment on it. I am more than disappointed by the reaction our country has had to his statements, and by some Christians ideas toward this family in general. I've seen two sides to Duck Dynasty...one of people not liking them because they are too Christian, and by some other supposedly devout Christians calling them not Christian enough. Then with the issue about homosexuality, some people believe they spoke out too much, that they should be more tolerant, while others think Phil in particular should have been more outspoken.
   So, why am I writing this? Part of me does not even want to sound off, because there are so many ignorant people (both unbelievers and Christians) that will disagree with me regardless of how much Bible I use, or what way I express my opinion. And I believe that is the heart of the whole issue...people and their opinions. If you don't agree with certain sects, or the world in general, you could be seen on one hand as a crazy religious freak, or on the other hand as totally devoid of a relationship with God. Regardless of any of that, I believe it is important for me, as a Christian, to show my support to someone who is standing up for what the Bible states.
   Anyways, before I give my opinion, i'll start by posting what Phil said. He said, “Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong. Sin becomes fine, Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men. Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers -- they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.” Phil later also released a statement saying, "“I myself am a product of the 60s; I centered my life around sex, drugs and rock and roll until I hit rock bottom and accepted Jesus as my Savior. My mission today is to go forth and tell people about why I follow Christ and also what the bible teaches, and part of that teaching is that women and men are meant to be together. However, I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me. We are all created by the Almighty and like Him, I love all of humanity. We would all be better off if we loved God and loved each other.”
   If you actually read his statement, like I did, you would notice that he did not talk about homosexuality as the only thing being wrong. He talked about adultery, prostitution, drunkenness, and being greedy. He did not just single homosexuality out by itself and talk about how he thought homosexuals were horrible people, or anything of that nature. He simply used it in conjunction with other things that are sinful. In his statement, Phil even said that he would not treat anyone disrespectful if they were different.
   And that is what upsets me about this entire situation. For so long, Christians have been degraded simply for saying that certain actions and lifestyles are wrong. The problem with people doing that, is that most real (notice I said REAL) Christians are not going to be mean to someone who is a homosexual. Do we think it is right? No. Can we agree with their lifestyle? No. Will we support something that the Bible clearly outlines as sin? No. Are we going to be mean and hateful about it, with slurs and threats? No, not real Christians. Real Christians understand that no sinful lifestyle is right. I do not see that many people mad at Christians because we think that adultery is wrong. I do not even see people mad because we think prostitution is wrong. Very few people even get angry at us for thinking that being an alcoholic is a bad idea. Are real Christians mean to these people who sin and act like these sinners are just nothing? No, in fact Christians throughout the years have tried to help people who struggle with sin. Take Alcoholics Anonymous as an example. It was started through the idea that having a "spiritual experience" helped keep you sober. Real Christians understand that sin is in the world, and it is our job to show an example of Christ in a day-to-day manner. I do understand, as well, that people may not think that what they are doing is sinful. As Christians, we state our opinion, but that does not mean we make others accept our beliefs. We always offer the opportunity to accept a relationship with Christ, but we understand that no one forced us to believe, and we cannot force anyone else to believe. We can respectfully agree to disagree with people. That does not mean that we hate people that do not agree with the Bible, it simply means we do not agree with their opinions. People often bring up what Jesus would do, and portray Jesus in a way that depicts Him as only loving, without acknowledging sin. Although Jesus was loving, He did acknowledge that certain actions were not right. It is like the story of the woman caught in the act of adultery. One of the last things He said in that story was, "Go, and sin no more." That meant that Jesus was loving, and did want to help her, but that what she was involved in was wrong. He was nice to her, but He also acknowledged that there was sin in her life. That is how Christians today should be. We should want to help those struggling with sin, but that does not at all mean that we should support it.
   The other point I wanted to address was how hateful I have seen some Christians being to the cast of Duck Dynasty. Do I agree with all of their opinions on Christianity? No, but I understand that they may believe a different way than I do. Instead of being hateful to Duck Dynasty, I would just exalt them for at least trying to live in a Christian manner. So many Christians get so picky with Duck Dynasty that they just ignore all the other crap that is on television. Compared to probably 95% of things on television, Duck Dynasty is very clean and family friendly. (And i'm including the local news and The Weather Channel in that last 5%) I truly believe it is time for Christians to stop attacking what is good and start attacking the truly bad. Maybe that is why our country is the way that it is, we try to tear down those who are trying to do right as well as they know to, and we ignore the really bad that is going on around us.
   My final point of all this is what alarms me more than anything. It bothers me so much that Phil was simply giving his personal opinion, and is now being harassed for standing for what he believes. People who agree with homosexuality have freedom to say they agree with it, why can Christians not say they disagree, as well? I think it is a very alarming that our country has gotten to the point where someone can be banned from a television show simply for stating how they feel. It really makes me wonder what is next. People have rights to express their opinions regardless of who does or does not agree. I may think something you believe in is crazy, but i'm sure you could say the same about me. That's why I love blogging so much, I can express my opinion in a public manner. Where is this country headed though? Will this blog be deleted simply because I'm a Christian and have morals that I choose to live by? Will America reach that point? I cannot help but remember the Bible verse, 2 Timothy 3: 12, "Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution." Stand for something, be the best you, become what God has in store for you, and I guarantee you--people are not going to like it.

A Plan Worth Waiting For

   I know my blog is usually all about life lessons that I have learned, but usually I do not delve too much into my personal life. Well, I believe today is a special day, and I would like to make an exception to my self-imposed rule. One year ago today, I got the amazing opportunity to start dating my best friend. I know that phrase is a cliche that people use a lot, but it really was the case with us. We had been friends for a long time, and over the course of a year and a half or so we became closer. Initially, I never contemplated us dating. I just loved talking to him, and he understood me in a way that few people ever have. He even challenged me in a way that I had never been challenged before. He even loved traveling like I did, and we went a lot of random places together. Even New Orleans for the NCAA championship game. 
   During that time, we were both, I believe, in a place in our lives where we were really trying to figure out who we were.  I didn't date anyone during that time, and I'm so grateful that I had a time in my life, just to figure out who I was, and where I was supposed to be headed. I'm not sure when our feelings grew from friendship to something else, but I knew I did not want to mess anything up by rushing into a relationship. We both did our best to pray about the matter and try to do what was right. And there was a big space of time when we just enjoyed our friendship, and we just took our time further getting to know each other. It was a long time before we actually decided to date each other. We simply waited, wanting peace about the matter.
   There is something really special about waiting for something. Waiting for a good relationship taught and spared me from a lot. If I would have grown impatient, if I would have rushed into some other relationship, I would have missed getting to be dating my best friend. I could have missed being able to know what it is like to be in relationship with someone who pushes you to be the best you possible, someone who is respectful of you, and someone who wants to grow and achieve amazing things with you. I'm so thankful I have gotten the opportunity to be with someone who appreciates me (and even deals with my nursing school emotional nightmare). I'm so glad I did not miss out on this blessing. I'm glad I had time also, to get to know Caleb outside of a dating relationship. I didn't have to worry about him putting on his "best" on in front of me, because we were just friends for so long. I got to really know who he was. 
   I like looking back on all of this, because I am so grateful for the journey we have already had together, but also because I so look forward to seeing where our future is headed. So, looking back, I wanted to share a poem I wrote a while before we started dating. It was on one of those days when waiting did not seem easy. I remember feeling alone. A lot of my friends were dating, and for a moment I felt like waiting for the right person was not worth it. This was sort of my conversation with the Lord. It really started as a pity party, and somewhere towards the middle, the Lord reminded me that He knew what was best. And looking back now--i'm so glad that He did. He did exceedingly, abundantly, above what I could have ever imagined. I'm so glad for His restraining and guiding hand that led me here. So here it is:


"Perfect Plan"

Lord, I have prayed earnestly,
That You'll send him my way,
A Godly man who loves me,
Who from You will not stray.

I have tried to do what's right,
And wait for what You want,
Yet, He's still not in sight,
And doubts and worry haunt.

I wonder if I'm enough,
What do I have to share?
Maybe it is just too tough,
Someone for me to care.

And, please, do not take me wrong,
I don't want just a man,
I have waited oh so long,
Lord for Your perfect plan.

It's not that I don't trust You,
It is just hard to see,
Others, what's right, do not do,
They're happy as can be,

Help me the right way to take,
Even though it's so hard,
Let me do it for Your sake,
My heart I have to guard,

I know, Lord, Your help I need,
To put this in Your hand,
I want to follow Your lead,
Please, Lord, just help me to stand,

Remind me that it's worth the wait,
That You won't steer me wrong,
That Lord, You are never late,
Even if it seems long,

Big pictures are hard to see,
Not knowing what to do,
But what Your best is for me,
Makes this worth going through,

And one day, when You see fit,
And send me Your choice man,
All of the praise You will get,
For Your so perfect plan.