Waving from the Window

I wrote this story, of my grandpa and the terrible disease he had, a little while back, and i thought I would share it now. We just finished covering Alzheimers in class. I hope it helps someone. 

"This is my grand-daughter. She’s a brain. Makes straight A’s, and got a scholarship to Berea College,” Those were the words my pawpaw said to the nurse his first day in the long-term care facility. I will never forget that as long as I live. I know it may seem like a simple statement, but the fact that my Pawpaw, diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, not only remembered me, but was praising me to a staff member I’d never even met, spoke volumes to me.

I’ll never forget the day I found out he had Alzheimer’s. It was Father’s Day three years ago. Usually, with it being Sunday, I would bring him to church with me, but he said he was not feeling well, so he did not come. I brought him back lunch and ate with him, and he did not seem too much different. Lately, though, he had been forgetting things. He could not remember how to fill out his checks, he would forget to mail something in, forget to get the oil changed in his truck, just simple things like that. I suspected something, but I was just 18 at the time, and did not really even know what to do. At the same time, I did not want anything to be wrong. He was the father figure in my life, and we did everything together. My mom and I lived next door to him, so he was always there, and I saw him every day.  He even taught me how to drive. He’d sit back in his little Toyota Tacoma, smoke a cigarette, and tell me I was doing a great job. Even the time I accidently rolled through a stop sign. He just chuckled and said, “Glad no one was coming—just make sure to watch next time.”

That night, I went to church like normal. When my mom pulled into the driveway, she noticed my pawpaw in the back yard. How she noticed this, I will never know. That moment is when my world changed. He was in the back yard, confused, sweating profusely, just sitting on the ground. My mom called 911, and I kneeled to the ground trying to talk to him, to orient him to reality. Nothing he said made sense. I finally just held his hand as we waited for the ambulance.

What followed from that was a long couple of weeks in the hospital. The one thing I knew is that my world would never be the same. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s during this time. His condition improved, and at the discretion of my mom and uncle, he was placed into a long-term care facility. I remember how hard it was seeing him there. The memories I had of him were him sitting in a lawn chair in our yard watching cars go up and down the highway, or him just riding down the road with me, or us watching John Hagee on television together. My memory was not of him in what I saw as a cold, standardized, hospital setting.

I remember leaving for college that fall, and every weekend I came back to see him. Regardless of the diagnosis, he was still the same encouraging pawpaw I had always known. Things were different, yes, but he still made me feel loved. There were times we would talk like we always had, and I would think to myself, maybe he could get better. I know that did not make any sense, and I knew how the disease worked, I just really did not want to accept its finality. There were even a few times I would see him waving out of the window down to the parking lot as I came in the facility. Regardless of the good times though, he still had the rough times. On my nineteenth birthday, my mom asked him how old he thought I was going to be. He replied, “Seven, eight, nine, maybe.” That was hard for me, but I knew he must have just seen me as the same little girl that tagged along with him everywhere. There were some more bad times, bad typical Alzheimer’s moments, but I did not focus on that. I focused on getting to still see him, still getting to talk to him, the fact that he was still there.

One night, as we were told, he was rearranging things in his room. That was one of the things he did a lot when he was confused. As he was trying to move a recliner in his room, he had a terrible fall. He never recovered, and on April 3, 2011, one of the most important people in my life left this world. I was devastated, and it is something I do not think I have ever fully recovered from, but I do feel like I learned some things from the experience. I learned to value each moment you get with the people in your life. I learned to not focus on the negative in a situation, and just be glad that you get time with that person. I also learned that regardless of the disease, Alzheimer’s especially, they are still that person you always loved. Now, three years later, whenever I drive by that facility, I just think of him waving at me from his window, telling one of the nurses that his grand-daughter had come to see him. It gives me a reason to move forward, and it gives me a reason to work to make him proud at this stage in my life.

 

 

Hardly Living at All?

   Today, while reading "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson, I came across this quote, "The way of the dreamer is difficult-but anything less is hardly living at all!" Those words stopped me in my reading, so much so, that I even put the book down (which really is a rarity for me). Those words seemed to be meant for me today.
   You see, last night, I got the amazing opportunity to be around a bunch of dreamers. Each one of the people I was around had a dream of their own that they are more than just working toward. They are putting their lives into something they know will bring them to the place where they need to be. One person even said, "It's not the potential I have, it's the potential God has to use me." Those words touched my soul. It was as if each one of those people were not just moving forward for themselves, but were moving forward for the higher purpose that God has for them. I thought about it a lot, even after I left. Then today, I was listening to a speaker on a CD, and they were talking about the book I had just started reading. (I also had no idea that the speaker I was listening to would even mention it). When I finished a few things I had to do, in a free moment, I picked up my book, and not too many pages in was when I saw those words. "The way of the dreamer is difficult-but anything less is hardly living at all!"
   These words were convicting. Sometimes I feel like I fit into the group of hardly living at all.  Not that I am not working toward anything, but lately, being in my last semester of nursing school, and dealing with responsibilities, I feel like I have not been as focused on the dream. Yes, I am taking action towards completing things, but has my mindset been where it needs to be? Definitely not. And being a dreamer starts with a mindset. I've kept my ring before me, (see my first blog post for information about that), but am I really living those words of "Love. Cherish. Inspire. Dream."? I feel like I have been more focused on circumstances that may be discouraging, than the path that is taking me to where I will be. I start to try to depend on myself, which obviously leads to worry, instead of letting God take control and lead me to where I need to be. This post may seem very transparent, but maybe this is something you can relate with in your own life.
   So, how do I get from the way of hardly living at all to the way of the dreamer? It all starts with a mindset. Being a dreamer is difficult. I often wonder why some of my circumstances have been difficult. It's almost as if I foolishly go, "Why can't they just give me a nursing degree? Why can't I just automatically be in a position to help other people? Why can't my writing get published now? Why haven't I already accomplished more than I have? Why, Why, Why?" Do you know what this turns into? It turns into a pit of self-pity, that does nothing but tear your mindset apart, and that negative mindset multiplies. All the things that I am working toward may be difficult now, but there is a reason for that. There have been many things in my life that were very difficult, but on the other side of it, I came out a stronger person. What if nursing school did just hand out degrees to anyone that wanted them? I guarantee that would cause a lot of trouble. You see the road to your dreams is going to be a lot more uncomfortable than you would expect it to be. You are not entitled to anything, so what you want to accomplish, you will have to create for yourself.
   This all reminds me of the Bible story of Joseph in Genesis 37. It states, "And Joseph dreamed a dream, and he told it his brethren: and they hated him yet the more." Joseph dreamed, and followed that dream, and his brothers hated him. As the chapter continues, they actually end up selling him into slavery. All because he had a dream. But did Joseph allow his life to become one of "hardly living at all", or did he take his negative circumstances, keep the right mindset, trust in God, and eventually be in the place where he was supposed to be? He did the second one. God had a specific purpose for him that he could have never accomplished if he had not followed his dream. He grasped the potential that God had for him, and finally realized his dream.
   What about your dreams? What do or did you want to accomplish? Do those dreams far away now? Have you forgotten them? Or are you like me and focusing on the wrong part of chasing your dream? You have the choice, you can live a life of a winner, a dreamer, which will be difficult, or you can live the life of a loser, and hardly live at all. I know that sounds harsh, but what are we doing with our lives if we are not following the higher plan God has for us? I cannot tell you what God has for you, but I can tell you, it may be difficult getting there, but nothing will feel like the peace you get from reaching the potential God has for you. So, don't focus on the difficult. Just remember the difficult is part of getting to where you are going to be. You will appreciate your arrival so much more, and you will be a much stronger person when you get there. You may even help forge a path for someone else following you. It will be worth it, and you will be able to truly say that you have lived. I cannot wait to realize my dreams, and see you realize yours as well!