I woke up Sunday morning angry. I did not feel just passively flustered, but instead I felt I was to the point of explosion. I had read my Bible, did my morning routine, but I could not shake the sense of sheer anger I was feeling. Great way to head to church, isn't it?
Let me back up before you all start to really question my mentality. Back in December, I had a health situation, and long story short, it led me to complete genetic testing for Lynch Syndrome. Lynch Syndrome is an inherited abnormality in your genetic make-up that predisposes you to multiple cancers of varying risks, the highest of which is colon cancer. This situation is not a cancer diagnosis, but a major risk factor in developing one of many cancers in your lifetime. My test results came back positive earlier this year.
I've got to say, I took the news well. My mindset was positive, and I knew that knowing this risk will give me options. I transitioned to a Vegetarian diet. I set up all my preventive physician appointments. Knowledge is power, and I was going to do all I could to get all the knowledge on this as possible. With the exception of one breakdown, I thought I was doing well. Nothing can hold me back, and in the name of Jesus, I will prevail!
I was doing great with this, until I got a call from a life insurance company. I've been working to get life insurance coverage, and I thought this particular company would be great. The call stated that since I still have a colon, I am ineligible for their coverage. I laughed it off at first. How funny is that! Denied coverage for having a colon, what a great story! I began relaying the story, but each time I told it I grew a bit angrier. Laughter turned to bitterness, and I then began relaying the story with complete disdain.
It is funny how quickly we can spiral from positive thoughts to sheer anger. It is amazing how we can go from praising God to questioning His plans. I went from seeing the situation as a way to overcome and possibly help others to slowly inside questioning the fairness of it all. I'm only 25 years old---why should I have to go to all these physician appointments? Why do I have to constantly think about what i'm eating and the effect it is going to have on my body? Why does my genetic make-up have to be a risk factor for these kinds of problems? Why do I have to bear this particular burden?These are just a few of the many angry questions I spiraled into in the course of a few days.
So, i'll be honest, I went to church feeling pretty sorry for myself, but mostly indignant about my current life situation. I went through the service as normal, and then pastor gave the title of the message which immediately told me God was thinking of me. The title of the message was, "He's Still God". Our Pastor told the story of Lazarus being raised from the dead. What stood out to me was the reaction of Martha, Lazarus' sister, in this story. I've always related to Martha, especially in the story where she is working when her sister, Mary, is worshiping God. Her attitude has always resonated with me. For some reason, I had never noticed her reaction in this story. John 11:21-22 says, "Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. But I know, that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God wilt give it thee." Martha had faith that despite the circumstances, even now, right in the moment, God had control. This verse shows me that she knew this did not take Him by surprise, and even though the situation was beyond difficult, God had a plan.
So imagine how someone so angry at her situation must have felt during a sermon like this? Truly, I needed to hear something about having a good attitude and counting my blessings, but instead God gave me words of hope and reassurance. This message showed me that God is not in the business of always telling us to get over ourselves (even when we need it). God is in the business of giving us reassurance, and helping us overcome, even when we do not deserve it. God has done so much for me--I am ashamed of the anger I've had. But God is so loving, that He did not want me to stay in anger. God wanted to remind me that He is still in control, and that I can depend on that. What a message that was for a hurting child. I'm telling you, this particular service was like God was right there, hugging me, and telling me that it was all going to be O.K. I pray all of you have moments like these with God, it is so wonderful when He gives you more than you deserve.
All this being said, I knew God wanted me to tell others about this. As Hebrews 4:15 says, "For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are; yet without sin." God knows the hurt, fear, anger, sadness, and everything we feel. God knew with Martha and Mary that they were sincerely grieving the loss of their loved one, but He did not leave them in despair. God wanted them to know they could depend on Him, and that He has the best plans possible for your life. I know that each person reading this has something different they are overcoming. Each person has their own set of struggles, and maybe you are struggling with your feelings about it. Maybe you are angry, fearful, or depressed. Give it to God! Even now, whatever you are facing, He is still in control! There is not a situation that you could be going through that He isn't big enough to solve. Romans 8: 38-39 says, "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." If nothing can separate us from His love, what can we accomplish and overcome when we allow that love to work in our lives?
