Personal Peace

   This post may be too personal—if that makes you nervous, certainly stop reading here, you’ve been warned. 

   I’ve in the past struggled with being an anxious person. Being a person of faith, I often feel ashamed to admit this. There is a huge stigma on anxiety in the church in correlation to a lack of dependence on God. I could go on about this, but I won’t since that’s not my purpose. I’ll save that for another day. 

   Anyway, I was reading back on my notes from church Sunday. Pastor Bryan Ries delivered a wonderful message on peace. If you struggle with anxiety, you know that peace is a challenging subject to master. As I was reading back on my notes something really clicked about my personality in my brain. I happened to think I may not be the only one who has mind battles like I do. 

   The quote that stuck out to me the most was, “Peace is confidence and rest in the wisdom and sovereignty of God more than your own.” Breaking that quote apart, that means that peace means putting your trust or faith wholeheartedly in God. This means that peace means there is Someone with greater knowledge, wisdom, and power than you. There is Someone Who not only knows what you want and need, but has the power to fulfill it. I’ve known the power God has throughout my Christian life, so why is peace such a problem?

   Ever since I got my nursing degree in my early 20’s, multiple patients have said I have brought them an unexplainable peace. I’ve also had employees say that I put them at peace as well. When I think of that in relation to that quote, I think about how patients and employees have put their trust in me because they feel I am skilled enough to handle their problems. I have proven myself reliable in some way to them that in many ways they trust me with their lives. 

   As I think about that trust, I think about the many ways I try to rely on myself. Perhaps the reason I bring peace, but don’t always have peace, is due to the fact that I’m also leaning on myself to solve my problems. I learned very young to be independent, to provide for myself, and to take it a step further and help others. None of those things are wrong, until you start believing you are the answer to situations bigger than yourself. Unfortunately, life is full of situations bigger than we expected.   When a diagnosis comes that your body can’t fight on its own, you’re going to need Someone who can help fight for you. When you are transitioning and changing things in your life, you need Someone to help Who knows the next step. 

   Pastor Ries also said, “There is nothing that will come your way that is worthy of robbing your confidence in your sovereign God.” I’ll take that a step further and say there’s nothing that you can handle on your own that is worth you robbing yourself of the joy of having help from a sovereign God. There are many valleys in this life, and from experience I can say there are some that will push you to your breaking point. If you’re going to be at your breaking point, why not be there with Someone Who knows how to put you back together? 

   If you’re struggling today, think about what confidence you may be putting in yourself. I promise you’ll feel much better giving it to God. That doesn’t mean the situation disappears. It certainly doesn’t mean life is easy. What it does mean is peace that brings you through the toughest times. There is nothing that will come your way that your Creator can’t overcome. 

Side bar—if you struggle with any of this: lack of peace, anxiety, or fear, let me know, I’d love to help you overcome! 

After Easter

After Easter and all the gratitude that it brings, I find myself quickly turning back to fear. We’ve celebrated a holiday of the victorious resurrection of Christ, and yet I’m falling back into the grave of my concern. Jesus died to set us free, so why do I try to hold on to my fleeting control? 

Sorry to start this post so heavy. Let me back it up a few days to give a clearer picture. On Friday, I had a routine MD visit. Now that I’m 27, I have to start having a CA-125 tumor marker drawn, just to ensure there is no hidden cancer lurking around. This is the new normal for me and my journey with Lynch. Preventative visit after preventative visit. 

I came out of the appointment pretty positive. The lab tech had a challenge with my veins and had to stab me a total of three times, but she was finally successful. I was feeling calm about everything the doctor and I discussed. 

Flash forward to today, and my stressful work day. My brain has been going in a myriad of directions, and just when I think I can’t possibly handle anymore, I start to think about all that can possibly go wrong. I’ve “taken the control” and placed it back in my hands. 

In my hands, control looks like fear of an undiagnosed enemy. In my hands, control looks like succumbing to physical problems. In my hands, control really isn’t control, but instead the most vulnerable, uncontrolled place I could be. 

I don’t think it is coincidence that my battle with fear today is right after Easter. The Easter story is about our victorious Jesus. It is about all what was completed and defeated when he stepped out of that grave. 

You see, Jesus endured a brutal death for us. Jesus didn’t do anything to deserve that treatment. He healed the sick, welcomed women into acceptance, and loved those that would be considered unlovable. The very people He came to help turned their back on Him. Yet, He endured it all with us in mind. I like to think that He looked a few thousand years ahead and saw a hopeless, poor Kentucky girl, and thought to Himself, “If I don’t do this, she’ll be forever lost. If I don’t do this, she will never know victory. If I don’t do this, she will never know love. She desperately needs me, and if I don’t do this, she will be desperately lost.” I believe He thought the same of you, as well. He paid the ultimate price for me and you. 

Understanding Easter means we understand what Jesus defeated for us, and it means living each day in that victory. If we truly understood each day what He accomplished for us, what would we fear? If we truly grasped what He did for us, why wouldn’t we walk in victory? Why would we bury ourselves in the cares of our current situation? 

I may only be writing this for me, but I encourage everyone reading this to not just remember the resurrection a few days of the year. Don’t forget on the hard days what was done for you when Jesus rose. Jesus wants us to live in victory—even when it’s hard, even when those lab tests are still pending, and even when it is after Easter. 

Feeling Like A Bad Nurse

When I was 19, my whole world changed. My grandpa, my best friend, passed away from Alzheimer’s disease. He had fallen in his nursing home, broken his neck, and sustained a head injury. In all honesty, now working in the long term care industry, I can’t blame them. Falls happen all the time. Even when you have what feels like 500 fall interventions just short of a one-on-one sitter. He was mobile, and loved moving furniture around. It was a losing battle. 

Flash forward a few years to my own journey in nursing. I exited nursing school with starry eyes, anticipating taking the world by storm, and healing every person that somewhat reminded me of my grandpa. I soon found out, though, nursing is not a fairy tale. 

I’m not bashing the company I work for (just as a side bar, I’ve got no problem with them, they treat me well). My concern is with nursing as a whole. Nurses everywhere fight a battle with how many patients they can safely manage with serious conditions. I’ve worked with some amazing nurses in different settings and companies—but many times they are pushed too far with what they can and should handle. Factor in supply cost issues, the dreaded insurance world, medication cost and availability, and a lack of staff to work those extra shifts, and you’ve got the perfect storm. 

On the particularly challenging days, I hesitate to admit, I question why I entered this profession in the first place. I wonder if that’s ok to admit? Does this make me a bad nurse? Does this mean I don’t care about people or the sick? I look around to see more forced smiles like mine. 

At the end of the day, I believe all nurses wish they could do more. I wish I could have had a successful code, but instead I have exited a room to a devastated family. I wish I didn’t have to rush someone to the ICU, or the ER in my current setting, without clear answers. I wish I could prevent every mishap or misstep people make, but people are human, just as I am. 

I’m not saying all this to earn sympathy. There are many nurses that work far harder than I do, and many that experience more challenges than I do. My point in this is to explain that healthcare is dark right now. It’s so challenging on more levels than I could possibly explain. We need more support than ever, and we need more people willing to fill this role than ever. 

So, I challenge everyone reading this to help in one of two ways. The first is to thank a nurse or healthcare worker when receiving care. Having been on both sides, you never know what the person serving you and caring for you is going through themselves. If they’re doing their best for you, do your best for them. The second is if you have an inkling to help people, get into nursing! We need more of you. And if you are a nurse, as I’m telling myself today—we need you. Keep caring when it’s hard, get attached even if you know what the end result is. Help heal the family, not just the person. Most importantly—never forget who or what’s driving you. Whether it’s your version of my grandpa story, your awesome coworkers, or simply the idea of making one person’s day brighter—don’t forget it.  

Live Happy For Hannah

   One morning this week, I was having a very challenging nurse day. I started questioning exactly why I had decided on nursing school. The thought of being a door greeter at Wal-Mart was becoming more and more appealing. (And I certainly would try to find a way to bring back those happy face stickers!) I decided to blare some K-LOVE and muddle through getting ready. 

   I walked to my jewelry chest looking for some earrings to brighten my day a bit, when I saw it out of the corner of my eye. My butterfly bracelet was hanging on the cherry rack urging me to pick it up. This isn’t just any old bracelet. It’s the bracelet that represents the short life of one of the teens that was in mine and Caleb’s youth group. 

   The first time I picked up the bracelet was when Caleb and I visited Maine in October.  We had just come back from Cadillac Mountain and all its beauty, and decided to purchase some gifts to bring back with us. We had stopped at an end of season sale, when I saw a rack of beautiful butterfly bracelets. I love butterflies, and thought what a great gift these might make for our teen girls. Caleb helped me count out upwards of 30 of these bracelets and off we went on our way. 

   It is amazing how God places small things in our lives ready to encourage us in another season. One month later, in the midst of a challenging season, one of those teens passed away in an unexpected car accident. Little did I know, butterflies were one of her favorite things. 

   Hannah was such a strong teen. She was one of the teens who was willing to help in whatever way was needed. She had a work ethic years beyond herself. I will never forget how she volunteered at a lunch we had for fundraising. She was one of the last ones to leave after making sure everything was cleaned and put back into place. An hour later as my husband and I went through the McDonald’s drive through for a snack, she was the one giving us our food through the window. Hannah never let us know she would also be working after the fundraiser—she just jumped in and made sure things got done. 

   Hannah was planning to use this work ethic to be a nurse. She was caring and kind, the type of person this profession needs. As I saw this bracelet on a day I didn’t want to be a nurse, I felt incredibly overwhelmed by the opportunity I have. I have the opportunity to be a nurse and have the attitude and spirit that Hannah would have. I picked up the bracelet and put it on, knowing that each day I have a choice for what attitude I choose to use. 

   We have the opportunity each day to approach life fully, with a good attitude. We are not promised tomorrow, but we are given the chance to make our lives count, no matter how short. We have the chance each day to choose to live happy.