Growing up, I became independent pretty fast. I attribute it to being raised by a single mom. My dad was absent, so I reacted by creating a shell where I thought men weren't needed. I had an awesome example in my grandpa, but he came from a different time period. Now was the time for women to stand up and take charge for themselves...men surely wouldn't. I loved church growing up, but every time I heard the word "submission" I cringed a little inside. I mean, I was already planning to be the first woman President (that is if Sarah Palin or Hilary Clinton didn't beat me to it). I certainly didn't want to learn any sort of nonsensical housewife duties, but I'd rather read classic authors or books about Ronald Reagan...all to enhance my knowledge so I could one day provide for myself.
Things changed a little in high school. Although I had a wall of independence created, my heart wanted a relationship. I began to see people pairing off and I wanted that feeling. I didn't know what it was, but I wanted to feel loved, needed, protected, even beautiful. That's when I started believing the unspoken lie that millions of people still believe today. The lie was: in order to be in a relationship, you have to be unhappy, or essentially not yourself to make it work. In fact the real lie was that if you want a relationship to work its painstakingly hard. (Not saying there aren't hard moments but the whole thing shouldn't be hard). I found myself thinking that you either were unhappily married or unhappily divorced. Yes, I saw happy couples, but I either thought they just came from another time, were hiding something, or were extremely blessed--maybe they deserved it more than me. I also bought into the idea that a bad guy is one that does drugs, or beats you, never thinking that there are actually bad "good" guys--those are the ones that mentally and emotionally tear you apart. They don't tell you about those in a lot of settings because there are a lot of those guys out there. They may even try to be a good person, not realizing the weight of their words or actions. (I'm not just picking on guys either, girls can equally be as bad).
So you can imagine what the few relationships I had in high school were like. I kept the wall up, even in relationships that lasted for a while. I couldn't figure out why I was unhappy while keeping people at arms length--not realizing I could not or would not trust the people I gave my time to. Granted, some of them may not have deserved my trust, but that just added to the problem. But again, I assumed it had to be painstakingly hard, and believe me IT WAS.
Do you know what was one of the biggest issues in all of this? I was trying to control things, protect myself. Finally, after a long relationship ended I had an epiphany of sorts. The Lord convicted me; how much of this did I put in His hands? It was mostly all a defense mechanism. Then I searched the Bible. How many verses in the Bible does it say that God wants us to be unhappy? It doesn't. It actually talks about God wanting us to love life. I mean, He created Eve to make Adam happy. The lie was broken and I realized, God doesn't want me to be unhappy. All those couples I saw earlier, do you know what they had in common? They kept The Lord at the center of their lives and relationships and worked to make themselves better, knowing in turn their spouse would be happier, then making them happier!
So that's when I decided not to date again until I found someone God wanted me with who made me truly happy. Not that I had everything figured out, but that decision changed my life. During that time, Caleb became my best friend. I enjoyed getting to know him. And we started dating.
Caleb has been amazing. It's like God sent us to each other for reasons bigger than we know even now. So, I've been happy just getting to know him better. On Thursday of this last week, we talked about marriage. He acted like it would be a while before we got married. Truly, I told him and I felt that I wanted him to know for himself that he had peace before ever proposing. I told him it was more important to have a marriage as opposed to a wedding, and the right foundation will cause that. So, I was happy with the situation knowing even though it may be a while longer, God's timing would make everything right. I also let Caleb take the reins--I've discovered submission is following the person God gave you as they follow God. Submission isn't submersion, you don't lose yourself in them, but rather be a part of a special mission with them.
Anyways, we planned to take pictures on Saturday, and we did. They were amazing at a beautiful estate 5 minutes from where I grew up. Then, at the end, Caleb said he wanted to take a few pictures somewhere I've never been. Our amazing photographer acted like itd be ok, but would have to be quick because she had another appointment. Caleb blindfolded me, and engagement ran through my mind, as it would any girl, but I blew it off. Caleb's always surprising me in awesome ways so, I just assumed it'd be the same. We drove for a while, got to our destination, and we walked (all while I was blindfolded) to a specific spot. He took the blindfolds off, and one of our favorite songs started playing. We were at Camp Canaan, where we met so many years ago. The place where so many important things in my life happened. Where I got saved, and gave my life to The Lord. And in that moment I got back something really special.
People I am close to walked forward all holding signs. These signs told the timeline of our story...from when we met to our road trips, from first date to asking my mom for her blessing. The music kept playing to another of our songs, and the final signs were shown saying, "Will You Marry Me?" Caleb got down on one knee, and I have never felt so loved, adored, protected, beautiful, and special in my entire life.
So I've been on a cloud since all this happened. But, I've also been thinking. I've heard people say they're proud, and people say that not many guys would do this. So, I say all that to say this...not many guys will do this. In fact they're one in a million. So how do you get a one in a million person? Treat yourself as one in a million. I don't mean be conceited, but realize you're worth the best. A relationship doesn't have to be some awful thing that you just tolerate. A relationship should be two people stretching themselves to grow together. Another thing, too, don't waste your time trying to control everything. Let The Lord have control. He won't mess things up; In His hands is safety. I'm not saying I know everything, in fact, I have a lot more to work toward. I just don't want to see anyone buying the lie that they have to be unhappy. God has amazing plans for you! I'm so glad God did not let me stay in the state I was in, and I am so grateful He brought Caleb and I together. The best part of it all is knowing this is just the beginning!
Bottom note: thanks for everyone who shared a part in our engagement. You will forever be a part of one of my best memories! (Photography by Chrystal York...and she's awesome!)
