Called or Not?

   Earlier today, while sending some messages back-and-forth with my sister-in-law, I was told of a sermon she had heard on the radio today in Kentucky.  I'm not sure who the preacher was, or what the entirety of the message contained, but she stated something heartbreaking that the preacher stated. He said that a preacher's wife is not called into ministry. He stated that her role is "just" to be submissive and follow where her husband leads. He basically stated that the wife has no important role to accomplish anything. Although I did not hear this sermon, the words she pointed out pained my heart. Why? Because I know by him saying that, some woman will believe him, and question if they are really called to be in their husband's ministry or not.
   The reason for me even to address this situation is for one reason only. I feel that our churches, in a battle against feminism, are trying to weaken women. Our churches today often hide the value of women by assuming they cannot perform even menial tasks. As opposed to elevating them in love, we weaken them.
   Where does this problem come from? I believe the main problem with churches today is that we have changed the definition of submission. I have often heard men preach Ephesians 5:22, which says, "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as unto the Lord." This is in the Bible, and it is an important verse, but it should not be stated without following up with verses 25 and 28-29, "Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it...So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man yet ever hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord  the church." If a man is truly loving his wife as his own self, and cherishing her, will she have any problem following his lead? If a woman knows her husband would do anything for her and their family, what problem would she have with him guiding their household? If he would do anything for her, that means he sees her having an integral role in their family. Submission is not a bad thing if done in a Biblical, and respectful way. Submission really is following the leading of your husband as he is led by God, but in many churches today we have given it an entire different meaning entirely.
   I also believe churches have painted a picture of women as weak, incapable creatures. Let's take a look at what the Bible actually has to say about that, though. In Proverbs 31, which is the chapter everyone points to as basically the ultimate guide to being a woman (and that's a pretty accurate depiction), verse 17 says, "She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms". The chapter mostly devoted to saying what a woman should be depicts that woman as strong. Proverbs 31 goes on to say in verse 25, "Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come." Not only is she strong, but this woman is honorable. Not deplorable and worthless like the picture is often painted today.
   So, why did I say all of this, and why did that preacher's words strike such a chord with me? Because, as the wife of someone preaching the Word, I must ask myself, am I called or not? Now, before I lose all of my really conservative friends, let me explain what I mean by that. While I do not believe that I am called to preach the gospel in the way that my husband does, I do feel called to minister and be a help to people. I do feel as if I am called to be a blessing to all those I come in contact with. I do feel that I am called to assist in helping my husband spread the news of Jesus Christ in any way we can. I do feel as if I am called to share in his ministry. Let me share a Bible example. In Hebrews 11, the "faith chapter" as we often call it, it speaks of Abraham's great faith to gain a child, and an heir. But what does it say about Sarah in the same chapter? In verse 11 it states, "Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, because she judged him faithful who had promised." Here we see that Sarah had her own relationship with God. Sarah did not just blindly follow Abraham. Sarah herself judged God faithful, and followed the vision that God gave not only Abraham, but the vision that God gave her. What would this story look like if Sarah did not share in the faith and vision?
   This topic really just means a lot to me, because from my point of view, if women are weak, everything that surrounds them becomes weak. Including the churches they go to. If a woman is weak, and does not really feel called to take part in her husband's ministry, you can guarantee that ministry will be weak. As I heard at the wedding I attended this weekend, a quote by Matthew Henry, "Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him, not from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled by him, but from under his arm to be protected by him, near to his heart to be loved by him.”
  


**As a side note, I must say, I am so blessed in that I have a husband that values not just me, but all women in his life as they should be, and a church that teaches Biblical principles uplifting women.  Without these things, I would not be where I am today!

Through Faith

   It has been a little while since my last blog post. I have had a lot going on in life, and in my mind, that I just wasn't sure when would be the appropriate time to write, or what I should even write about. I've always held to the standard that I would not write unless God directed my hand. I think one reason I have halted from writing is due to the fact that God has been speaking to me specifically on an issue. It is a lot more difficult to write about something piercing your heart than something that may pierce someone else.
   A few evenings ago, I had it on my heart to read Hebrews 11. As I was reading, one specific verse stuck out to me. Verse 6 states, "But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him." As I thought to myself, I considered how often people stop reading after the "believing that he is" part. Then I realized that I am the one who typically does that. And God began to show me some things about the plan He has for me.
   Looking back on times, I feel like my faith has been small. Yes, through faith I have received salvation. I have had enough faith to give pieces of my life to God. I feel like I have had moments of surrender, and moments where I truly wanted to entrust Him with everything. That is a wonderful place to be! But that should never be the end of a Christian's goals for faith. What I just described is not a faith mentioned anywhere in Hebrews 11. Mature faith in Christ goes beyond partially yielding control of your life to Him. Faith can and should challenge you.
   So what does having a mature faith entail? These are all things I am just now learning. It means fully trusting God when you do not understand the facts. When speaking of Moses, Hebrews 11: 25 says, "Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season." Moses could not have known what would have happened to him when he forsook all that Egypt had to offer. With one decision, he gave up his financial security, his status, and any rights to ruling he could have had. If you consider the facts, that decision does not make sense. He did not wait to make his decision until he had alternate routes of income, status, or a way to keep the throne. He immediately made his choice. Looking back on my life, I would have to say it has been difficult for me to do so in the past. The more control I try to take over my life, the less control I am giving the Lord. Each time I fret about a situation of family, finances, or even simple fears, I am taking control of the situation into my own hands. Even if I pray about it, if I do not yield control to Him, how much faith to do I really hold?  It would be the equivalent to me asking a friend to stay at my house while I was on vacation, but me coming home every hour to see if everything is in order. What would the real point be? How much faith would I be putting in that friend?
   Mature faith also means realizing that God wants to reward you. As I stated earlier, the ending of verse 6 says, "and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him."  I believe that sometimes in the Christian life, we get burdened down with situations, and we assume that it should always be that way. If that were so, why would Jesus have risen from the dead? As it says in John 10:10, "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." An abundant life does not arise from troubles, although they may come. An abundant life comes in spite of trouble, when you realize that God has the best for you. I'm tired of Christians painting the Christian life as one of sorrow. Why do so many people leave the church? I feel like it is directly tied with their faith not being strengthened. And faith becomes strong when you realize that God has amazing things for you, even if the way there is not easy. God has all the power needed to change whatever circumstance that you face! Why would He not step in and work in the life of His children?
   Mature faith also, however, comes with realizing your need to diligently seek Him.  Psalm 37: 5 states, "Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass." God expects commitment from us. This part is probably one of the most difficult ones for most Christians. This one requires effort. Faith hinges on the relationship you have with the Lord. If you do not get to know Him, how can you know that you can fully trust Him when the facts are standing against you? If you do not get to know Him, how can you know that He wants to reward you and give you an abundant life? Getting to know God is so much more than going to church out of habit or ritual. Getting to know God requires that you seek Him.
   So all of these thoughts struck my heart especially this past week. God is doing a lot of amazing things in my life. He has opened doors for Caleb and I, and although there are plenty of things that I could write about being fearful of, or still in prayer for, all I can say is I know God is working to extend our faith. How do I know this? Jeremiah 29: 11 states, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." God has great things in store, and has an expectation for my life. I was not placed on this planet just to take up space. And what is the great part about that? Neither was anyone reading this. God has great things for you, and He can help you build a great faith. A faith like what is mentioned here:

Who through faith subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight, turned to flight the armies of the aliens. Women received their dead raised to life again: and others were tortured, not accepting deliverance; that they might obtain a better resurrection: And others had trail of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonment: They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented; (Of whom the world was not worthy:) they wandered in deserts and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.

Father's Day--to All Girls with Absentee Fathers

Father's Day-- To all you girls with absentee fathers....

As Father's Day approached when I was growing up, I would cringe a little bit each time. Instead of bringing me joyful thoughts about my father, I think each year I would grow a little bit more bitter about what I did not have. You see, my own father was not present for any major event in my life. Honestly, he was not present for any event in my life and I could count the number of times I saw him in my childhood on one hand. So, I grew up hating Father's Day and all it stood for. To make matters worse, my grandpa, the only father I ever truly had got very ill on Father's Day of 2010. That day was actually the last one he ever had at home. 

My grandpa's passing made matters worse in a sense. I could not understand why the only Dad I really had was taken. It's not something I ever spoke about, but the feeling of anger kept growing. I'll be honest--it made me very kind of hesitant to trust any man period. How can you trust when the only father you ever had was taken, and the biological one left you. Both are hard to deal with on different levels and raise all kinds of ugly and tormenting questions about your self worth. 

So before I go on about the darkness and ugliness of it all, I have to explain what happened in my life and how I have managed to grow past Father's Day struggles. Somehow, through a process I cannot even explain, God started a healing process in my heart. How did this happen? 

1) I realized who I wanted to become. 

A few years ago, I had a very serious conversation/prayer time with the Lord. I know it may seem crazy, but this time I spent in prayer lead to me realizing the type of woman I wanted to become. And that started with getting over the bitterness that I had. I realized that to really grow, you have to let go of past hurts. If you don't, they will consume you, and you will have nothing to give anyone else. If you want to move forward in life you have to forgive those that have wronged you. Is it an easy process? No way. But when you can truly forgive someone who has wronged you, that says something about your character, and you will be able to move past a lot of other situations. 

2) I thought of my future. 

After I realized who I wanted to become, I started thinking about what I wanted my future to be like, and what I wanted for my kids one day. With that, I started guarding my heart in that I set a standard for what type of men I allowed in my life. You see, if you just allow any man into your life, and he treats you badly, it is going to add to the hurt you feel. At first in my life, I did date people who if I would have continued with would have caused me much heartache. But thanks to my Heavenly Father, I did not choose that route. I learned to only allow men in your life that truly and not in word only have a heart for the things of Christ. If he loves Christ, he is going to love you much better. In turn, he'll love whatever kids you have in the future better. You can break the cycle, and it feels so good when you do. Knowing what it feels like to truly be loved by someone who has your best interests at heart is a wonderful feeling. It may take some time, and there may be a waiting period, but it will help heal your heart. 

3) I realized the love of my Heavenly Father. 

Someone once told me that you see God like you see your father. That's why it's so beyond important for fathers to fulfill their role. I happen to believe this to be true. I trusted in Christ when I was fifteen, and I accepted Him fully into my life at that time. But there were still some things I didn't grasp until a few years later. One of those things is God will always be there for you. I don't know what your earthly father may have done to you, it may be horrible, but I do know that God will never do that to you. An earthly man may have chosen to leave you, cut you down, not do what he should have to help you through this life, but God will never do that. God provides a rest and peace to all of His children. He can comfort you when no one else can. God is not only a God of judgment, but He is also a loving Father who wants to provide healing to His children. Fall in love with Him, and give Him your heart and He will show you how to mend it. God has given each of us blessings, and he even raised up men in my life to help lead me along, like my uncle, my pastor, my husband and even his dad. God will provide what you need to help you heal. You only need to start seeing Him as who He is, rather than through the lenses of who your earthly father was. 

I know Father's Day is not a good day for a lot of people. This world has so much hurt, and there have been so many wronged children. I hope this helps somebody whose father isn't there. I hope you realize you are loved, and that the Creator of all the Universe wants to be everything your father wasn't. 

And to all you Fathers out there who really do your part, have a blessed day! 

-Ashley Allen 

What Can God Do

   I woke up today with a to-do list that seemed almost impossible to accomplish. I started making a list of things to be done before the wedding, and it seems each time I do this, the closer it gets, the more there is to do or purchase. Immediately defeat began to creep into my thoughts. I'll be honest, it was very fast how easily I became discouraged about the tasks at hand.
   I grumbled to myself, in frustration about the things left to do. I had a very self-deprecating inner monologue about how I should be much better at juggling all the different things in which I take part or hold responsibility. In the midst of this, God stopped my thoughts, and left me with one simple question: What can God do?
   I have been focused on what has not been done, what I cannot figure out, and what I can do about it, but I have left one major point out of the equation. What can God do? I say I put my trust in Him, but have I really been? Have I really been following the verse that says, "Casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you?" How amazingly loving are those words, but without even really being conscious of it, I have been rejecting those words.
   I came across a Bible verse (being stopped in my tracks, I figured I should go to the Bible about this), in Deuteronomy  3:22-24. It states, "Ye shall not fear them: for the Lord your God, he shall fight for you, And I besought the LORD at that time saying, O Lord God, thou hast begun to shew thy servant thy greatness, and thy mighty hand: for what God is there in heaven or in earth, that can do according to thy works, and according to thy might?" How beautiful is that! The thought hit me that God loves me so much, he fights for me. He can do anything He chooses to, and He does it out of His great love for me.
   Those verses literally were exactly what I needed. It was no coincidence that I happened upon them, either. There are so many times that if we just allow ourselves to slow down, God will give us exactly what we need for each day of our lives. He wants to help us through each even miniscule moment of our lives. Why? Because those moments aren't miniscule to Him. God cares. He cares about where you live, where you work, what you do with your time. He is just waiting for allowance to work in our lives.
   I think back to right when I first graduated nursing school. I thought I would never find a job. I submitted applications everywhere with no response. I got really frustrated. Then I realized something VERY important. Maybe God allowed all those places to say no, so I would be working where I needed to be. Because I allowed God to lead me, I started off my nursing career in a good environment. I just had to realize that God knew what I needed. And I am reminded of that lesson again today. God knows all the details to all of my to-do list problems, and He can solve them!
   So, back to the question at hand. What can God do? Looking back on my life, God can heal all hurt. God can lead you where you need to go. God can help with overcoming obstacles and climbing mountains. God can be the dearest friend. God can take a fearful little girl from Brodhead, Ky, lead her the right places, and constantly transform her into a thriving child of God. And that is just in my own life. He can do amazing things for anyone who will simply be willing to trust Him and give Him access in their life. He won't force you, but He will willingly help the willing. So, imagine where you want to be, what you need help with, that one obstacle you cannot get past. Give it to God! Find out what God can do, and allow Him to do it!

An Inconvenient Christianity

"Men that have hazarded their lives for the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" Acts 15:26. 

   Earlier today, I looked up this verse in my Bible after a conversation I had. I knew there was some verse in the Bible about risking your life for Christ, but I was not quite sure where it was. You see, I begin this post with a burdened heart, maybe more than I ever have been when writing a blog up until this point. I've written about a lot of topics, and I've mostly gotten good feedback. I've written about using your life for good, developing goals, even how to become successful. Unfortunately, however, I have failed to bring out an important thought. What does any of that matter without being willing to give your life to Christ? 

   You see, it is a scary thing to offer your life to Christ. It is inconvenient in the age we live in. Too many rules, expectations, etc. With the verse I quoted, you'll notice that (and it's referring to Barnabas and Paul and their missionary journeys here) it says they "hazarded" their lives. They risked their very lives all for the work of God. How many of us can say we'd be willing to do whatever it took to accomplish the work of God? Some of us aren't even willing to pray for the missionaries that our churches support, and we would never dream of even taking a week out of our lives to help one. 

   I say none of this to point fingers at anyone else. If anything, this is my way of reminding myself of the way my heart should be turned to Chrsit. With thinking about this whole topic, though, five distinct thoughts came to me about the inconvenience that being a true Christian involves. I'm sharing these with a burdened heart for things I need to remember in my own life, and I hope maybe it will help you, too. 

   Number one: Don't make this life about you. It's all about Him. 

In this life, it is beyond easy to make things about yourself. Humans are creatures of comfort, and if something is less than comfortable we don't like it. That's the reason air conditioning and electricity were invented. They aren't bad inventions, either, but the principle behind them is very apt to get us into trouble. True Christianity is recognizing what God wants for our lives, and doing what we can to follow His guidance. For people like me, who like to be in control, this is a tough concept. But this life was never meant to be all about your wants and desires. Your life was meant to bring glory to your Creator. Your success, your accomplishments, your outreach, all brings Him glory and honor. If you change the world, it still is not about you. It's about the one that gave you that opportunity. 

   Number two: Worry about your own problems before calling out other people.

This is one I have particularly struggled with. It's really easy to get a mentality that your issues aren't as bad as others. It stings a lot more calling yourself out on things than it does calling someone else out on things. I know the world around you may not be perfect, but I guarantee you aren't either. It is important though, to really be a Christian, to realize you are imperfect, too. It's really inconvenient and difficult doing this, but if you ever want to really live for God, this point must be grasped. 

   Number three: If someone is attacking you, realize they are attacking Jesus, not you. And He can defend Himself.

This concept has been one that I have struggled with lately. There have been a few things that happened, that I actually felt attacked for in the cause of Christ. At first, I got really angry. I wanted to react out of anger, rather than respond from a place of love and respect. It is really inconvenient letting someone attack you, and giving the situation over to God. But if you are doing something for the cause of Christ, and someone tries to stop it, they're attacking Christ and His work. Again, it's not about you. Your feelings may be hurt, but if you react back and attack, you may do more damage than good in what you're trying to accomplish. And I know that isn't easy, because my first response if you're going to debate or argue with me, is to feed into it and argue back. It's inconvenient stepping back and letting God take the reins. 

   Number four: God will provide, no matter the obstacle. 

As someone who really likes to have everything planned out and ready, this is a difficult one to grasp. Lately, however, God has really shown me what this means. God has provided so many things for me. Maybe not in my time, or how I've seen it, but He always provides exactly what I need. It's not convenient to let God have control of a situation. It's not convenient to trust Him for needs you have. But if you do, I guarantee He'll give you more and better than you ever thought possible. I know that's a hard thing to do in the face of obstacles. An obstacle is an obstacle because it blocks your path, and sometimes even sight, of the thing you're trying to get to. That's why it's better to take those obstacles to someone who can see where you're wanting to be. He can see the parts of your path that are unclear. He's more than willing to help you get there, if you just allow him to. 

   Number five: "With obedience to Christ, comes adversity" 

This last point comes from a phrase my amazing pastor, Bro. Noah Broughton stated one time that I wrote in my Bible. I wrote it down because I thought it was a good quote, but I never understood at the time how true it was. If you're going to do anything in this life for God, you will face adversity. I've noticed it even becoming true in our country. It seems like the more you take a stand for God, the more challenges you find. It's even become apparent to me in our church circles. Often, if you do something for Christ out of the norm, even other "Christians" don't like it. Adversity comes from stepping out on faith. You'll find challenges where you never expected them. But it all comes from the fact that if you're going to be obedient to Christ, you're going to find struggles and resistance. Do you really think that Satan wants the cause of Christ to be advanced in this world? 

   I write all of this just to share with you a burden that I have felt on my heart. I really hope, to whoever is reading, that it helps. I know, from personal experience, that none of these are easy concepts and I have mastered none of them. Each day is a growing process, but I think it's important to keep all these things before us. The last question I have is, what would you be willing to hazard for Christ? Would you risk your life? Your comfort? Your convenience? Would you risk your personal time, and give it to things of God? These are hard questions to answer, but I know, that the more you give to God, the more He will give you in return. 

The Truth About Discouragement

   "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance." Psalm 42: 5. 

   When I was reading my Bible a few days ago, this verse (and two others near it worded very similarly) really stuck out to me. You see, lately, I have been fighting a battle of discouragement. I won't go into all the personal details, but for the last few weeks it has felt like no matter what door I came to, it would appear to be open, and once I reached it, the door would either be slammed in my face, or quietly shut as I was about to step through. (This is all metaphoric, by the way, for those of you who are wondering if i'm just really clumsy.) I've questioned why nothing is working out, and it all being on the heels of great things happening in my life. I've prayed and prayed, and no answer has come. I've encountered less-than-encouraging people along the way, and it all culminated Wednesday afternoon. 

   I was devastated by the lack of direction I had, and I felt really discouraged. All I could think about was why God had not answered my prayer. Then, after reading that verse, a thought came to me. God is not the author of discouragement. It clearly says in that verse to hope in God. In verse 11 of the same chapter it says, "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God." I was reminded that He is my God. Not just a god, but He is MY GOD. He cares for me on a personal level. He is not the author of my discouragement. 

   If God is not the author of discouragement, then who is? I looked up the definition for the word discouragement, and this is what I found, "The feeling of despair in the face of obstacles". Why would God want us to be in despair? He wouldn't! There has to be another force at work spreading discouragement. The circumstances may be God's way of saying, "Wait," but discouragement is not His purpose. God does not want us drowning in a sea of discouragement. The other force at work is a force that wants us to doubt the God that loves us. It is a force that wants each of us to forget the things God has done in our lives, and forget the plans He has for us. It is a force that wants to overshadow God moving in our lives, and take our minds off of His grace, and onto uncertainty. That force could be Satan, or it could be an inner struggle you have, but either way, neither of those forces want you to trust God for your problems. Neither of those forces want you to realize that you can hope in God, and that He will be your help. 

   So how do we combat discouragement? One way that I have found is to realize when you don't know what to do, do what you know to do. Keep fighting! Keep pressing forward! Sulking a corner might give you some self-gratification for a moment, but continually wading in it will only sink you further into your discouragement. I'm not saying do not take time to re-group, but continually being in a re-grouping phase is not taking action. 

   Another way to get past discouragement is a truth I have learned in a book I've read recently called "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson. It says, " We won't remember the things that came easy; we'll remember the things that came hard...It's not just where you end up that's important; it's how you get there." That is a deep truth that is often hard to accept, but once you have accepted it, it becomes much easier to move forward. Once you realize that some of our greatest struggles become our greatest victories, it becomes easier to walk through the bad times. And some day, when you're out of the struggle, you may realize that God knows more than you do. 

   That brings me to my final point. The point that God knows more than you do. This is a hard concept for me to grasp as well, considering that I try to control a lot of the things in my life. God has a plan for you--a great plan that if you just wait for Him, He'll show it to you. I know that is easier to say than to follow, but keep it in mind. God is not your enemy. He is for you. And if He is for you, who could be against you? He's bigger than all your problems, bigger than all your fears, and big enough to know what you need in your life. 

The Voices You Hear

    A little while ago, when I was upset about something, I had what I like to call, a "God moment". I had just finished praying about a very specific matter. I turned on my Pandora radio station, and the first song that played was "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns. Here are some of the lyrics:


"Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth"

All I could do was cry, because a lot of the words were right in the context of what I had prayed. It was a moment where I knew God had heard my prayer, and I felt he was speaking directly to me, for me. I had no idea what music would be played as it is a randomized station, and I feel like God allowed that song to come on to encourage me, and let me know that He was there, and that He will be there.
   The reason I am revisiting an event that happened a little while back is because I feel like I have reached a point in my life where voices of sorts are speaking against me. No, they aren't voices in my head suggestive of a mental disorder, and no they are not literal voices of people speaking to me for those of you who take everything literally, but voices whose silence speaks louder than words.
   You see, i'm in a transitional period in my life. A lot is changing. With that comes specific voices trying to steer me off of the correct path. Let me explain: with every blessing that comes, every blessing designed to propel you into the person you were meant to be, it is going to be met by enemy resistance. As a Christian, I feel like there are forces at work to stop me from becoming all I need to be for Christ. So, by reaching a point in my life full of decisions, new paths, a period of change, and even meeting some specific hardships, it is going to be a very sensitive time. I was speaking with my Fiance about this, and one statement he made really stuck with me. He said, "Ashley, you've worked so hard to get to this point, do you think the enemy wants you to celebrate now? Or do you think that he wants you defeated?" I thought on this very intently, not fully grasping it at first I think. Then, I reached this conclusion: If you have proven yourself, met a milestone, or met a point of change, the enemy is not going to be happy about it. But the enemy won't always attack directly.
   What do I mean by "won't always attack directly". That is where those "voices" come into play. For every person, those voices may be different. It may be an insecurity you have, that even though you are accomplishing things or making changes, you still aren't sure of your self. It may be a voice of addiction, that even though other things are going great in your life, you do not think you can give up some addiction, so it keeps hold of you. It may be a voice of anger, that someone did not do what you thought they should, that someone important to you lets you down, just when you need them most. These "voices" say things like, "No matter what you've done, you're not good enough", "People let you down, why try to accomplish anything else?", "I've got you in this stronghold, good luck trying to get past this!". All of these voices are a tactic used to defeat, depress, and deter you from the purposes you should be fulfilling in your life. For me my voices consisted of fear, doubt, and disappointment. I was scared of the unknown, of what all I had to still accomplish, of what I was going to do in the face of the difficult things that I was going through. I was doubtful of how I'd find solutions to these circumstances. I was also disappointed by feeling a lack of support from specific people that I thought would be proud of some things I was accomplishing. These voices said to me, "Things are too hard, you've already worked so hard already, you're tired. Why not just quit?", "These problems you have--they are overwhelming! How can they be fixed?" "Your accomplishments must not be that important--no one cares anyway." Again, no literal voices said this to me, but these subtle attacks come indirectly to divert your attention from what you should be focusing on.
   So, what do you do? Think back to the lyrics I posted, the last four lines. Notice I bolded the words, "The Voice of Truth". That Voice is the One you need to focus on. The Voice of truth in my life is my Lord, my Saviour, Jesus Christ, and the Word of God that He gave for us to follow, and gave so He could speak to us. God is not the instigator of defeat, confusion, and fear. He does not speak to us in terms of what hard times are facing you, and what you can do about it, but about what He has power to do. When you are fearful, what does God say? Psalm 27:1 says, "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" When you are doubtful, or worried, 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." When you are disappointed, go to the One Who does not disappoint, as written in Hebrews 13:5, "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."
   There are many, many different verses for various "voices" you may hear. The important thing to remember is that you will most certainly at some point in your life face an indirect attack that leave you with questions, feelings of defeat, maybe even a weight of something that seems overwhelming. But know where this attack comes from! Also know where to go to find help. God has many great things in His Word, things for any kind of voice you may be faced with. It is a guide, and will show you exactly what to do in the face of opposition. Don't listen to the voices of defeat; listen to the Voice of Truth. It is your choice, but I guarantee you, living in defeat won't lead to a victory.

Enjoying the Mountain

   Yesterday was a big day for me. It was the day that I have been working toward for a long time--my graduation from Somerset Community College's Associate Degree Nursing program. One interesting part of all of the commotion from yesterday was the fact that I was running late in getting to graduation. I was not late to the actual ceremony, but as graduates we were supposed to be there at 6:45 (actually by that time), and I arrived sometime after 7. On the way there, I got stopped by a red light, and I knew it would take a long time for the light to change, so I managed to find a back road to get around it. Then, there was some kind of fender-bender blocking both sides of the road, so I found another back road, and got back on the main highway. I hit a few more lights, but waited, and tried to multitask getting things done while at the stoplights (with my fiance's help as well). I somehow managed to get past all the obstacles, and ran inside, taking my place in line.
   All these events seem insignificant at first, just another day, another normal set of events; however, to me these moments were a mirror image of how I got to graduation in the big scheme of things. It was not easy getting to graduation. At my pinning ceremony my card even had the verse Psalm 61:2, which says, "From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." I cannot tell you how many times I have been overwhelmed these past four years.
   I feel like all the events that lead to graduation were really just one back road after another, one moment of waiting after another, and trying to get things done, when it almost seemed impossible. You see, I started off my college experience at Berea College. I did great academically, but that place was not where I was supposed to be. Putting it as tactfully as possible, I did not feel like I could adequately grow in my walk with God at that institution. Then my grandfather passed away, and I was deeply hurt. I tried to be strong for my Mom, all while taking a pretty difficult pre-nursing course load. With God's help, I finished that first year strong, and decided to weigh out my options.
   So, I took a different road, and I came back to Somerset to get my degree there. It was a lot different going from staying in the dorm, to moving back home and balancing more work hours with school. A lot of people did not understand my decision. Many people saw it as me throwing away my future, and a four-year scholarship. I was the girl that was supposed to do something great with my life, and to many people, I was not going to do that coming to Somerset. Looking back on it, that was one of the best decisions of my life, and if I had stayed at Berea, I would have been compromising my future, and I have no idea where I would be.
   I spent a year taking courses before doing the nursing program. I actually took some time trying to determine if I would stick with nursing, or get an English degree. Another interesting piece of information, the pre-conference you have to do before starting the nursing program, I actually stumbled upon the list of dates the day before the last day was available. So, it was definitely an act of God getting me into the program. I chose nursing, because I did not think I had to have a degree to allow me to write. I would, however, need a degree to be a nurse.
   Then the actual program started. A lot of things happened during this time, I moved from the only place I'd ever lived, I faced personal struggles, and many other things changed during this time. It was rough, and I won't take the time here to explain all the stressful times, sleep deprived nights, and times where I thought about just giving up. Those kinds of things come with anything worth the struggle, and I am grateful for the opportunity to fight it out, and get through it.
   So, all of these events really mirrored me getting to graduation. What, then, do I take away from it all? I was overwhelmed, and God lead me to a higher place. There were so many twists and turns getting here. People told me I was making the wrong decision. There were people who didn't support me, as well as those who prayed, asking God to just lead me where I should be. The higher place was hard getting to. Nothing, like most of my life, has been just handed to me. I've had to fight, work hard, and make decisions, and put trust and faith in God. And I finally accomplished a goal that I have had for a long time.
   Is this, though, the last higher plane I will reach? All of these events, they were a small part of a bigger journey. Each struggle, each triumph, each battle, each win, changes a part of you, and transforms you into who you were meant to be. God does not leave us on this earth merely to fight one battle and stay on a plateau the rest of our lives. We were all made for more than that. We all have our own sets of untapped potential, but if we live our lives dwelling on the fact that we have won some battles, we'll never see what all God can do through us.
   There's a lot more for me to do now that graduation is over. It's both scary and wonderful all at the same time. It's scary because I know there will be more mountains for me to climb, there is more for me to do, and i'm sure i'll be taking a few more detours, and may even have some waiting periods.  People may not understand some things that God may be calling me to do. That is where faith really comes in though! The wonderful part about it all is knowing that doing more is really living. If I can spend my life really living, how much more of a difference will that make? How much more can I do for the God who saved me and gave me this life, if I really put effort into it?  What God-given untapped potential have I not seen yet? I'm sure all of the same questions can apply to whoever is reading this. God has something amazing for you, but what are you doing to get there? As I wrote on my whiteboard at home yesterday, "You did it! Enjoy the mountain, but look for the next one, this is just the start!"

I'd like to also share a poem I wrote a little while ago, during these last four years.

A Poem Based on Psalm 61:1-3

From the end of the earth,
Will I cry unto thee,
My heart is overwhelmed,
Oh Lord, will You lead me,
To a much higher place,
I know You will be,
A shelter, a haven,
Far from the enemy,
And when my heart breaks,
Will You then make it whole?
When i'm down, upset,
Will You then calm my soul?
And when I almost fall,
Could you help me to stand?
And through all my hurt,
Please, just hold my hand?
Storms, pain, hurt, surround,
Nothing seems to turn out right,
Darkness encircles me,
Lord, lead me through the night.
Although it's hard each day,
On You I will depend,
You have not failed me yet,
You are my dearest friend.
So hear my cry, O God,
Attend unto my prayer,
Keep me in Your shelter,
And heal my hurt in there. 


And He brought me through!!!!

Just the Beginning

Well, I have some exciting news....I'm engaged. I'm sure most of you reading this blog already know as I've proclaimed it to the world through basically every social media site I have access to. That's part of the reason I wanted to write about this though. Because for so long, I doubted that I would be this way. If you would've asked any of my friends, even throughout high school, when polled out of my group of friends, I was one of the last chosen to get married. I had "bigger dreams". Or so I thought. 

   Growing up, I became independent pretty fast. I attribute it to being raised by a single mom. My dad was absent, so I reacted by creating a shell where I thought men weren't needed. I had an awesome example in my grandpa, but he came from a different time period. Now was the time for women to stand up and take charge for themselves...men surely wouldn't. I loved church growing up, but every time I heard the word "submission" I cringed a little inside. I mean, I was already planning to be the first woman President (that is if Sarah Palin or Hilary Clinton didn't beat me to it). I certainly didn't want to learn any sort of nonsensical housewife duties, but I'd rather read classic authors or books about Ronald Reagan...all to enhance my knowledge so I could one day provide for myself. 

   Things changed a little in high school. Although I had a wall of independence created, my heart wanted a relationship. I began to see people pairing off and I wanted that feeling. I didn't know what it was, but I wanted to feel loved, needed, protected, even beautiful. That's when I started believing the unspoken lie that millions of people still believe today. The lie was: in order to be in a relationship, you have to be unhappy, or essentially not yourself to make it work. In fact the real lie was that if you want a relationship to work its painstakingly hard. (Not saying there aren't hard moments but the whole thing shouldn't be hard). I found myself thinking that you either were unhappily married or unhappily divorced. Yes, I saw happy couples, but I either thought they just came from another time, were hiding something, or were extremely blessed--maybe they deserved it more than me. I also bought into the idea that a bad guy is one that does drugs, or beats you, never thinking that there are actually bad "good" guys--those are the ones that mentally and emotionally tear you apart. They don't tell you about those in a lot of settings because there are a lot of those guys out there. They may even try to be a good person, not realizing the weight of their words or actions. (I'm not just picking on guys either, girls can equally be as bad). 

   So you can imagine what the few relationships I had in high school were like. I kept the wall up, even in relationships that lasted for a while. I couldn't figure out why I was unhappy while keeping people at arms length--not realizing I could not or would not trust the people I gave my time to. Granted, some of them may not have deserved my trust, but that just added to the problem. But again, I assumed it had to be painstakingly hard, and believe me IT WAS. 

   Do you know what was one of the biggest issues in all of this? I was trying to control things, protect myself. Finally, after a long relationship ended I had an epiphany of sorts. The Lord convicted me; how much of this did I put in His hands? It was mostly all a defense mechanism. Then I searched the Bible. How many verses in the Bible does it say that God wants us to be unhappy? It doesn't. It actually talks about God wanting us to love life. I mean, He created Eve to make Adam happy. The lie was broken and I realized, God doesn't want me to be unhappy. All those couples I saw earlier, do you know what they had in common? They kept The Lord at the center of their lives and relationships and worked to make themselves better, knowing in turn their spouse would be happier, then making them happier! 

   So that's when I decided not to date again until I found someone God wanted me with who made me truly happy. Not that I had everything figured out, but that decision changed my life. During that time, Caleb became my best friend. I enjoyed getting to know him. And we started dating. 

   Caleb has been amazing. It's like God sent us to each other for reasons bigger than we know even now. So, I've been happy just getting to know him better. On Thursday of this last week, we talked about marriage. He acted like it would be a while before we got married. Truly, I told him and I felt that I wanted him to know for himself that he had peace before ever proposing. I told him it was more important to have a marriage as opposed to a wedding, and the right foundation will cause that. So, I was happy with the situation knowing even though it may be a while longer, God's timing would make everything right. I also let Caleb take the reins--I've discovered submission is following the person God gave you as they follow God. Submission isn't submersion, you don't lose yourself in them, but rather be a part of a special mission with them. 

   Anyways, we planned to take pictures on Saturday, and we did. They were amazing at a beautiful estate 5 minutes from where I grew up. Then, at the end, Caleb said he wanted to take a few pictures somewhere I've never been. Our amazing photographer acted like itd be ok, but would have to be quick because she had another appointment. Caleb blindfolded me, and engagement ran through my mind, as it would any girl, but I blew it off. Caleb's always surprising me in awesome ways so, I just assumed it'd be the same. We drove for a while, got to our destination, and we walked (all while I was blindfolded) to a specific spot. He took the blindfolds off, and one of our favorite songs started playing. We were at Camp Canaan, where we met so many years ago. The place where so many important things in my life happened. Where I got saved, and gave my life to The Lord. And in that moment I got back something really special. 

   People I am close to walked forward all holding signs. These signs told the timeline of our story...from when we met to our road trips, from first date to asking my mom for her blessing. The music kept playing to another of our songs, and the final signs were shown saying, "Will You Marry Me?" Caleb got down on one knee, and I have never felt so loved, adored, protected, beautiful, and special in my entire life. 

   So I've been on a cloud since all this happened. But, I've also been thinking. I've heard people say they're proud, and people say that not many guys would do this. So, I say all that to say this...not many guys will do this. In fact they're one in a million. So how do you get a one in a million person? Treat yourself as one in a million. I don't mean be conceited, but realize you're worth the best. A relationship doesn't have to be some awful thing that you just tolerate. A relationship should be two people stretching themselves to grow together. Another thing, too, don't waste your time trying to control everything. Let The Lord have control. He won't mess things up; In His hands is safety. I'm not saying I know everything, in fact, I have a lot more to work toward. I just don't want to see anyone buying the lie that they have to be unhappy. God has amazing plans for you! I'm so glad God did not let me stay in the state I was in, and I am so grateful He brought Caleb and I together. The best part of it all is knowing this is just the beginning! 

Bottom note: thanks for everyone who shared a part in our engagement. You will forever be a part of one of my best memories! (Photography by Chrystal York...and she's awesome!) 

The Amazingly Sunny Days

"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin. As I started reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge for the second time, I came across this quote. I didn't notice it the first time I read this for some reason. I think the first time I read this book it so caught me off guard with the truth in it, that it was almost too much to handle. It's a great book, but if you aren't ready to be a much stronger woman, I wouldn't advise reading it. It is one of the books in my life that I can actually say changed me. That doesn't happen like this very often and I've read a LOT. Anyways, when I saw this phrase I completely stopped reading. It was a God moment. It's like God was telling me, "I know exactly what you need right now". 

   You see, I feel like my life is about to be significantly different. I'm less than 50 days from graduating nursing school and opening an entirely new chapter of my life   I have a lot of decisions to be making and a lot of things will be changing. Honestly, I've been kind of fearful. It's an unknown world, and it may seem silly, but I've been really scared about what's to come. Isn't it funny, the thing I've been working toward is scary? Actually thinking about it though, I'm gonna have a lot more responsibility than I do now. I won't just be a student, but I will be stepping into much greater roles than I've ever been in. Ill be reaching some of my goals, attaining things I've worked really hard for. 

   So when I saw that quote, it hit me. I'm gonna be "blossoming" into something totally different. But as scary as that is, how much more painful and scary would it be to remain in stagnancy? How terrible would it be to come this far and let fear defeat me? I'm not sure of the exact reference, but doesn't the Bible say that "God hath not given us the Spirit of fear? But of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  God has given us a Spirit of power! It is a powerful thing to be following Gods plan for our lives! It's a powerful thing to be reaching milestones, doing new things, even making changes. For so long, I did not like change. But change isn't always a bad thing, if it's change that grows us. Change can actually take a seed and make it a beautiful flower. Change can take the frigid air of winter and make it the warmth and growth of spring. (Which I know we all want!) Since we've had such a cold winter, ill relate it this way. What would it be like if we just stayed in this state we've been in? What would it be like if the winter we've had just continued? Some people may grow accustomed to it, some may even be comfortable. I mean we've got central heating, right?! 

But we'd never get the flowers that accompany spring time. Nothing would grow like it should or could because of the conditions.  And think of the amazingly sunny days we'd miss! 

   You see, sometimes change has to happen for growth. It may not be easy, and some changes are a lot more difficult than others. It all depends on what you want though, some things may take you out of your comfort zone, or into an unknown world. But one of the best parts of stepping out into the unknown is having new opportunities. New opportunities bring some amazing experiences. You have the choice, you can ditch fear, claim power, and become a better, growing version of yourself, or you can remain in stagnancy. But I can guarantee you only one of those options will ultimately make you happier. 

Anyways, happy first day of spring! 

Waving from the Window

I wrote this story, of my grandpa and the terrible disease he had, a little while back, and i thought I would share it now. We just finished covering Alzheimers in class. I hope it helps someone. 

"This is my grand-daughter. She’s a brain. Makes straight A’s, and got a scholarship to Berea College,” Those were the words my pawpaw said to the nurse his first day in the long-term care facility. I will never forget that as long as I live. I know it may seem like a simple statement, but the fact that my Pawpaw, diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, not only remembered me, but was praising me to a staff member I’d never even met, spoke volumes to me.

I’ll never forget the day I found out he had Alzheimer’s. It was Father’s Day three years ago. Usually, with it being Sunday, I would bring him to church with me, but he said he was not feeling well, so he did not come. I brought him back lunch and ate with him, and he did not seem too much different. Lately, though, he had been forgetting things. He could not remember how to fill out his checks, he would forget to mail something in, forget to get the oil changed in his truck, just simple things like that. I suspected something, but I was just 18 at the time, and did not really even know what to do. At the same time, I did not want anything to be wrong. He was the father figure in my life, and we did everything together. My mom and I lived next door to him, so he was always there, and I saw him every day.  He even taught me how to drive. He’d sit back in his little Toyota Tacoma, smoke a cigarette, and tell me I was doing a great job. Even the time I accidently rolled through a stop sign. He just chuckled and said, “Glad no one was coming—just make sure to watch next time.”

That night, I went to church like normal. When my mom pulled into the driveway, she noticed my pawpaw in the back yard. How she noticed this, I will never know. That moment is when my world changed. He was in the back yard, confused, sweating profusely, just sitting on the ground. My mom called 911, and I kneeled to the ground trying to talk to him, to orient him to reality. Nothing he said made sense. I finally just held his hand as we waited for the ambulance.

What followed from that was a long couple of weeks in the hospital. The one thing I knew is that my world would never be the same. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s during this time. His condition improved, and at the discretion of my mom and uncle, he was placed into a long-term care facility. I remember how hard it was seeing him there. The memories I had of him were him sitting in a lawn chair in our yard watching cars go up and down the highway, or him just riding down the road with me, or us watching John Hagee on television together. My memory was not of him in what I saw as a cold, standardized, hospital setting.

I remember leaving for college that fall, and every weekend I came back to see him. Regardless of the diagnosis, he was still the same encouraging pawpaw I had always known. Things were different, yes, but he still made me feel loved. There were times we would talk like we always had, and I would think to myself, maybe he could get better. I know that did not make any sense, and I knew how the disease worked, I just really did not want to accept its finality. There were even a few times I would see him waving out of the window down to the parking lot as I came in the facility. Regardless of the good times though, he still had the rough times. On my nineteenth birthday, my mom asked him how old he thought I was going to be. He replied, “Seven, eight, nine, maybe.” That was hard for me, but I knew he must have just seen me as the same little girl that tagged along with him everywhere. There were some more bad times, bad typical Alzheimer’s moments, but I did not focus on that. I focused on getting to still see him, still getting to talk to him, the fact that he was still there.

One night, as we were told, he was rearranging things in his room. That was one of the things he did a lot when he was confused. As he was trying to move a recliner in his room, he had a terrible fall. He never recovered, and on April 3, 2011, one of the most important people in my life left this world. I was devastated, and it is something I do not think I have ever fully recovered from, but I do feel like I learned some things from the experience. I learned to value each moment you get with the people in your life. I learned to not focus on the negative in a situation, and just be glad that you get time with that person. I also learned that regardless of the disease, Alzheimer’s especially, they are still that person you always loved. Now, three years later, whenever I drive by that facility, I just think of him waving at me from his window, telling one of the nurses that his grand-daughter had come to see him. It gives me a reason to move forward, and it gives me a reason to work to make him proud at this stage in my life.

 

 

Hardly Living at All?

   Today, while reading "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson, I came across this quote, "The way of the dreamer is difficult-but anything less is hardly living at all!" Those words stopped me in my reading, so much so, that I even put the book down (which really is a rarity for me). Those words seemed to be meant for me today.
   You see, last night, I got the amazing opportunity to be around a bunch of dreamers. Each one of the people I was around had a dream of their own that they are more than just working toward. They are putting their lives into something they know will bring them to the place where they need to be. One person even said, "It's not the potential I have, it's the potential God has to use me." Those words touched my soul. It was as if each one of those people were not just moving forward for themselves, but were moving forward for the higher purpose that God has for them. I thought about it a lot, even after I left. Then today, I was listening to a speaker on a CD, and they were talking about the book I had just started reading. (I also had no idea that the speaker I was listening to would even mention it). When I finished a few things I had to do, in a free moment, I picked up my book, and not too many pages in was when I saw those words. "The way of the dreamer is difficult-but anything less is hardly living at all!"
   These words were convicting. Sometimes I feel like I fit into the group of hardly living at all.  Not that I am not working toward anything, but lately, being in my last semester of nursing school, and dealing with responsibilities, I feel like I have not been as focused on the dream. Yes, I am taking action towards completing things, but has my mindset been where it needs to be? Definitely not. And being a dreamer starts with a mindset. I've kept my ring before me, (see my first blog post for information about that), but am I really living those words of "Love. Cherish. Inspire. Dream."? I feel like I have been more focused on circumstances that may be discouraging, than the path that is taking me to where I will be. I start to try to depend on myself, which obviously leads to worry, instead of letting God take control and lead me to where I need to be. This post may seem very transparent, but maybe this is something you can relate with in your own life.
   So, how do I get from the way of hardly living at all to the way of the dreamer? It all starts with a mindset. Being a dreamer is difficult. I often wonder why some of my circumstances have been difficult. It's almost as if I foolishly go, "Why can't they just give me a nursing degree? Why can't I just automatically be in a position to help other people? Why can't my writing get published now? Why haven't I already accomplished more than I have? Why, Why, Why?" Do you know what this turns into? It turns into a pit of self-pity, that does nothing but tear your mindset apart, and that negative mindset multiplies. All the things that I am working toward may be difficult now, but there is a reason for that. There have been many things in my life that were very difficult, but on the other side of it, I came out a stronger person. What if nursing school did just hand out degrees to anyone that wanted them? I guarantee that would cause a lot of trouble. You see the road to your dreams is going to be a lot more uncomfortable than you would expect it to be. You are not entitled to anything, so what you want to accomplish, you will have to create for yourself.
   This all reminds me of the Bible story of Joseph in Genesis 37. It states, "And Joseph dreamed a dream, and he told it his brethren: and they hated him yet the more." Joseph dreamed, and followed that dream, and his brothers hated him. As the chapter continues, they actually end up selling him into slavery. All because he had a dream. But did Joseph allow his life to become one of "hardly living at all", or did he take his negative circumstances, keep the right mindset, trust in God, and eventually be in the place where he was supposed to be? He did the second one. God had a specific purpose for him that he could have never accomplished if he had not followed his dream. He grasped the potential that God had for him, and finally realized his dream.
   What about your dreams? What do or did you want to accomplish? Do those dreams far away now? Have you forgotten them? Or are you like me and focusing on the wrong part of chasing your dream? You have the choice, you can live a life of a winner, a dreamer, which will be difficult, or you can live the life of a loser, and hardly live at all. I know that sounds harsh, but what are we doing with our lives if we are not following the higher plan God has for us? I cannot tell you what God has for you, but I can tell you, it may be difficult getting there, but nothing will feel like the peace you get from reaching the potential God has for you. So, don't focus on the difficult. Just remember the difficult is part of getting to where you are going to be. You will appreciate your arrival so much more, and you will be a much stronger person when you get there. You may even help forge a path for someone else following you. It will be worth it, and you will be able to truly say that you have lived. I cannot wait to realize my dreams, and see you realize yours as well!